Bud's Famous Holla Day Warmin' Nog

Many of us won't get many presents this Christmas. Herr Kraut says that's cause the Austin Home For Boys has no chimney. Clint says it's because Jesus is Jewish. Hard to tell really. But when you don't have any presents under your tree, put Egg in your Nog. It will make the depression go away.

Here is Bud's world famous Holla Day depression medication.

Special thanks to Mrs. Argyle's 2nd grade class for drawing the recipe:

The Real Meaning of Christmas?

Keep your lights on and a shotgun trained on the fireplace. BE SAFE, AUSTIN.

Happy Holla Daze!!

Steve, our DM, is a BALL BUSTER

Under

Hey guys. I got bad news today. Uhmm…it’s just…god this is hard. It’s just…why’s everything got to suck? In this world, why’s everything suck so bad? You know me, a hard worker just relaxing, taking it easy, the easy life. I go with the flow of things. I don’t hold possessions, I ain’t one to fantasize about wealth. And just…I mean, things in this world just can’t be fair. You got Richie Rich’s and Affluent Aretha’s all over this town, running around, everything under their thumb, buying nice cars, nice clothes, buying comfy houses, condos and highrises and all that shit, pushing and stepping on all types of little people, cavorting and lying and making money and just laughing. And for what? What did they do that’s so special? Did they hitchhike across a desert? Did they live for a month in a beaten up camper on the outskirts of a city park? They think I don’t know they’re laughing, but fuck, they’re not clever at all. No one’s clever, man. No one. …alright, I just…well, listen, okay? Sorry for just dumping on you and all, it’s just, my poor pooch Pepper got ran over. I was standing…oh god…I was standing in heavy traffic and she just broke out for no reason at all. And some asshole BMW or Mercedes or whatever just rolled right over her. I mean, oh god… it wasn’t really their fault, but come on. They couldn’t see, couldn’t react that fast? Fuck knows. And I saw the whole thing with my own eyes too. No one should ever have to witness such a thing. I’m just broken up right now. Sorry, sorry Austin. I’m fucked up, I’m totally fucked right now.

Barnyard save me,

long live the mighty Pepper,

Greg

Batman Bares His Sensitive Soul

Before he was an American psycho and long before he took up cape and cowl, Christian Bale walked the lonely city streets as...

...a Newsie.



He sings! He dances! He steals a horse! In the words of YouTuber supernaturalbabe666, "immortal hottness!!!"

super walk 2007....aka....wind walker

12/12/07
Miles:9.702

12/13/07
Miles: 9.807

Christmas time is here

Well hello, hello, AHFB readers. As you know, it’s Merry Old Christmas time, and we here at the 14^th DABO can hardly contain ourselves. Little Gerald and Clint are soon to be joined by our third poster, Dominic Hayes. He was very excited to be next in line, and I can tell you personally, he is feeling quite a bit of holiday cheer. I’d like to take a moment now, however, to remind you of all the needy boys and girls out there in this big world. This is a time of generosity, of sharing, giving, compassion, and caring. Please, all readers out there, open your hearts, be not afraid to be touched, and take merriment with you. Tis the season, after all. We here at the orphanage are certainly brimming with spirit. Shouldn’t you? But before I go on too long, here is Dominic with a lovely post.

Sincerely,

Mary F. Reilly

Hello, my names Dominic. Thank you for reading this post. I am nine years old. I like to think that I was named for Dominic Wilkins, a great basketballer. My sister says thats silly, but I’m older than her and I know better. I want to be a paleontologist, so I should know a thing or two. Paleontologists are scientists that study dinos. Not like Jurassic Park, which was awesome, but kind of more like Indiana Jones, another awesome thing. By the way, we all went to a museum the other day too. It didn’t have dinos, but it was alright anyway. It was called the Blanton Museum of Art. It had a lot of old pretty pictures and new scribble pictures. I decided to write a poem about it and Mrs. Reilly said it was ok. I hope you enjoy it. Also, I wanted to tell Santa that I was a good guy this year. I was very cheerful and nice to my sister. I hope he brings a lot of Christmas cheer this year. Plus, I hope all of you guys have a good Christmas too. My mother always used to tell me that everyones got a bit of Christmas spirit in them, and we all secretly smile at reindeer and elves. So if you guys feel this spirit, let it out. That’s what we’re supposed to do, I think. That’s what my mom used to say.

Have a merry Christmas,

Dominic

BMA by Dominic Hayes

I went to this museum

and there were noodles outside,

you could run in them

and jump and hide.

Inside the museum were paintings

with color and shape,

my favorite image

was a man with a yellow pear face.

There were cars

and statues plenty,

but the best room

was full of pennies.

It looked like gold

spilled from a truck,

into the vault

of Scrooge McDuck.

There were hundreds of bones

above or more,

and I laughed with my sister

pretending they were dinosaur.

And we saw guys in gray

watching us walk,

they stood with walkie talkies

and didn’t talk.

I waved to one

and he tried to smile,

but he turned around a corner

and was gone for a while.

And then the time came to go

before we saw it all,

but we weren’t sad

we'd come back next fall.

Herr Kraut's Tips for Boys: How to Make It in This Big Lonely World #1

Nobody knows what a big, cold, lonely world it is better than Herr Kraut, house dad and founder of the Austin Home for Boys. It's hard to make friends, talk to people, and pick up chicks when your mom is in prison and you don't know who your father is, so Herr gives little tips to us boys to help us out.

And now Herr Kraut is willing to share these tips that he has himself collected over the years with you, our Austin Home For Boys Readers!!! Thanks, Herr. You are the BEST!

Herr Kraut's Tip #1: Compliment the ladies.

Ladies like it when you tell them something nice about themselves. So, when talking to a lady, just blurt out any old thing that you like about them!

Bonus tip: Don't say you like a ladies boobs to their face. This is how you stay lonely!

If you can't find something nice to say to them, lie and tell them that something you actually hate is attractive.

For example, you meet a cute young 2nd grade teacher and she is wearing this:
Tell her you like her sweater. Then tell her you LOVE cats (even though cats blow and we're not allowed to have them here at the Austin Home for Boys.) Now ask her out on a date or for some money.

Other things to compliment on, Earrings:


Hair:


Shoes (sooooo safe to compliment):

Okay ,boys. Try that tip out and let us know how it goes at AustinHomeForBoys@gmail.com.

Adventure towards apology

Citadel: Druss falls in a trap. Gracie casts Sexy Eye Lock. Stankie moves blithly. Chibo hits every MoFo he shoots at. Retep takes first watch.

So we get to the Citadel. Druss falls in a trap. Gracie casts Sexy Eye Lock. Stankie moves blithly. Chibo hits every MoFo he shoots at. Retep takes first watch.

No good DnD blog post would be complete without all the notes from the last 2 weeks of questing. Sorry about the notation as I haven't been able to find a good web-resource that shows me how to annotate official DnD battles. If any of the readers know how to do this, please send a PDF of the notation instructions to AustinHomeForBoys@gmail.com.

Before you start reconstructing this adventure on your Combat Mat at home, I'll give you the body count so far:

Enemies defeated:
3 Goblins3 Skeletons6 Dire Rats
Adventures struck down:
Druss, aka REO Painwagon struck down by a Dire Rat that rolled a crit, revived by Agnes in the heat of battle.

Finally, the details. Study hard little dorks. You too may one day reach these heights of awesome in the pits of the Citadel:

Dungeons and Dragons Rises From the Ashes

Many of you out there in TV land have been sending in your letters and emails asking what happened to the DnD campaign we've been waging. Good question. I'll spare you all the details, but the last campaign collapsed in wave after wave of infighting and going North. In the end only Chibo la Riche, the halfling ranger survived. Still burning with a rage like athletes foot from not getting back his deposit on the griffin-masacred horses, he's joined up with a new band of adventures under the tutaledge of an experienced DM of high caliber.

Pretty much the story goes like this: The la Boeuf Brother live in the Hamlet of Oakhurst.
These are the people that live in the town and what they do. It should be noted that though the le Beouf brothers have inhabited the town their entire lives, they have no idea who any of these people are.
The merry band of adventures meet up with Stankie and Bezzel le Beouf (Stankie is a trannie and Bezzel is a gambler with a listening snake) and find out that the town has been having all kinds of problems with Goblins. SU-PRIZE. I've been getting shit from goblins FOR-EVA! So the adventures go a questing south east on a mission to save a couple of brats kids who have wandered off to the Citadel. Stankie tried to negotiate a wicked per diem from the kids' mom, but was a little overzealous, so only gets a promise of $50 if we bring back the kids. Stankie had even less luck with the Mayor. Oh well. Retep the Paladin tried to help and so did the cleric Agnes, but the next day the old mother still wouldn't pony up any more cash. Oh well, never send a trannie to do a halfling's job.


Anyway, you get the gist. I would like to point out that the merry band made no attempt to stop at the apothecary or the torch store on their way out of town to the Sunless Citadel. That is a lesson you only learn once. Like looking out for griffins when you have a big deposit down on a bunch of horses.

Here are some of the character sheets of the merry band of adventures.
Our Hero:
Retep, the whistling elf:
Druss the half-giant, aka REO Painwagon, aka Lil' Brov'a:

Druss's thoughts:

Super Walk 2007....aka....wind walker

Eat the Flavor

Hey All,

I have the latest results
12/07/07
Miles:11.498

12/08/07
Miles:3.45

I know I know. That last one is shit. I was very lazy that day.
This week I will more than make up for it. I am shooting for 17 miles.

Uh, hello. This is my first post, so please, bear with me. I’m not used to blogs as is. Truthfully, I’m not used to disclosure either. I’m a superhero. I can’t say who exactly, but just know that you’ve heard of me. I’m writing as part of my ongoing therapy. My doctor recommended this. He said something about building the bridge towards trusting myself. Perhaps it is to help me forgive as well. I’m not certain, exactly. But on with the post. I’m writing because I feel, how shall I put it: insecure? My wife and I are having problems at the moment; that is why I am in counseling. I have a hard time placing my thumb upon the problems, but they are mounting. Perhaps they have something to do with our attraction. I believe she only becomes excited in dangerous situations. Really excited. I also feel intensely attracted while exerting myself extra-normally. Why, there was one time, we ducked into an alleyway on the way home and…wait. I hear…I hear a cry for help! Darn it! Just when I was getting into this. I have to go, not a moment to waste. I am sorry for this interruption. Perhaps next time I can say more, but I do have to go.

Until next time,

be safe, live well,

Unknown Superguy

Holiday Savings Tips: The Good Little Boy's Handguide to Not Getting Shot at the Mall

Hi guys. Herr Kraut is taking me and my house brothers shopping at the Goodwill, Walmart, and Sam's Club so we can have some gifts under the big house pecan tree this year ( I begged Herr for a real Christmas tree, but instead he promised to put a tarp over the presents so they don't get rained on like last year.) Most of us boys haven't had a lot of presents in our lives, so this is an outing we've been looking forward to all year.

That being said, it wearied my soul when little Gerald told me he didn't want to go shopping. Why don't you want to go shopping? I asked. Don't you want to buy tons of Sam's Club blank cd's for your house brothers? Gerald wouldn't tell me at first, but after I promised him some peanut butter on a celery stick he said that he was afraid that he and all his house brothers were going to get bloodbathed at Northcross Mall!!

First I assured Gerald that there was no Walmart at Northcross Mall, so we would definitely not be shopping there. This had little effect on him. Then I remembered that Gerald was actually orphaned by a gruesome killing a number of years ago when his step-dad shot his mom and then committed suicide with a semi-automatic assault weapon! Eereeka! I thought, I just need to give Gerald the tools to survive a bloodbathing, and he'll never be afraid again.

In order to figure out how to survive a shooting rampage, I asked our house weapons expert Clint what he thought. He said, when in a shopping mall and you see a rampaging teenager with a semi-automatic assault weapon, you should hide behind the fat people!

Wow I, said, that is an amazing piece of advice. Hide behind Santa Claus! His timetraveling semi-religious Christian magic will protect you.

No, Clint said, not Santa Claus. A homeless man dressing in imitation red velvet is only useful if you are trapped in a cave or on the bottom of the ocean on a submarine. You need to hide behind regular old overweight Americans.

Of course, I shouted, the pouchie doughy flesh of overweight Americans will shield us boys from the scattered bullets of any rampaging virgin. And because the fat people are so slow, Gerald will be able to run and escape to safety!

No, no, Clint yelled at me. You hide behind fat people because fat people tend to be conservatives who belong to the NRA. They HAVE the guns, and should be ready to defend you in a shopping mall rampage scenario.

I get, I said, the fat people defend our liberty by also toting high powered concealed weapons.

Exactly, said Clint.

So, me and Gerald and Herr Kraut will be ready for a good ol' fashioned mall rampage now. Thanks Clint. You've saved the Austin Home For Boys Christmas.

For more holiday saving tips check out this article on ABC.com.

Super Walk 2007.......aka....wind walker

Hello B's & G's


I am happy to report that Mike has greatly improved on his walking score. He was training for weeks to achieve his goal of more then 5 miles. The next step is to pass the mandatory drug screening and a sperm count. Also we must screen for head lice. After that he will be inducted into the Professional Walkers of America.

My latest results are in.

12/06/07
Miles: 12.014

12/04/07
Miles: 11.367

I am feeling better now that I am back in full form after my life took a turn into the ditch. General fuckery aside, things are looking up. It is not my fault. IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Walk on America……walk on

We Like Eachother: Fudgie and me!

It's hard to be an orphan in Austin. Often we think to ourselves, where's my mom, where's my dad? Usually the answer is prison, so our souls dry up a little bit more.

But!!! We may not have our parents, but we have each other. Pour a little wine on it. Put in some hor'dourves in there.

Fighting

What’s up, dudes? F---, it’s been a long time. I know, I know. Where the hell’s Greg been? Let’s just say I got tossed in the slammer and leave it at that. Don’t worry, don’t worry. It’s all good. Just…don’t ask. Let’s just say there was a B and E, a construction yard, and some propane, and leave it at that. Don’t worry about me, friends. I’m out, I’m out baby! Ha ha! I’m out and I’ve had a few and I’m just chilling out right now at the Dan’s house (p.s. I don’t think Dan appreciates my drunkenness). But who cares? It’s all good, that’s what I’m saying. I’ve got my dog Pep, I got myself, I got the clothes on my back, and I got my undying, constantly rewarding hatred of yuppies to see me through. I’m a fighter, I’ve been fighting it out on the streets, fighting it here on the site. I can’t complain. Life’s…well, okay, I do have one thing to say. Those beds in prison, man, are they small. Could we do something about that? I mean, come on. Jesus! Well, I better get moving on, my pups barking and Dan’s yawning a whole bunch.

Same old same old,

respect to the Barnyard,

Greg

The Lamb Ran Away With the Crown

Mike, guest walker extraordinaire, posting an improved score of 8.628 miles. Holy fuck! That's a whole mile more than my last walk and a whopping 3.7 miles more than Casey's Saturday Shame Spectacle. Of course, my score is a paltry one-half of Casey's standing record, 15.9 miles. So the Burger King crown remains perched atop his head, not mine, a fact that causes me to fill saucer after saucer with fat tear droplets. Until next time, O silver-legged one, but be warned: I'm training with Mark Knopfler.

Super walk 2007....aka.....wind walker

Hey all,


I have some sad results to report. Saturday was a dismal showing of walking force. This is not an excuse but in the spirit of sportsman ship I must confess that my mind and feet were elsewhere. You can’t really walk when you heart is broken. The Professional Walking organization has granted Mike a re-walk. I will keep you updated on his results.


12/1/07

Miles: 4.9
Steps: Mostly on my heart..

Keep Rambo in Mind

Hey all,


I have recently given up much of my time to an emotional outlet that did not pay off. Vague, but there it is. In the process I have neglected a project I have been working since this past summer. I am writing an alternative narrative to First blood. Not unlike Brad Neely's Harry Potter thing but more poignant. Over the course of months ahead I will post my chapters. Remember this is to be read during First blood. Also keep Hawkwind’s “Warrior on the Edge of Time” in mind as well.

Chapter One.
Music: Hawkwind, song one in the background during intro.


America. Placid, stagnate and dead. The burden of capitalism buries our fallen heroes. We are failures in the eyes of the world. Burnt earth and nightmarish daydreams fortify the country side. A lone man, with jeans tucked into his boots, freshly delivered from war with images of violence and toil dancing in his head; A gallant lion-maned steed who carries the weight of America’ s dreams on his broad shoulders looks down in contempt of what lies before him.

While Children scuttle about below, he envisions a future he has yet to comprehend. He only knows what direction the stars are telling him to navigate. Onward he presses towards his destiny.

Despite this celestial compass he asks the youth of America to help him locate the back of the house. Blindly trudging forth with no help from the children he makes his best educated guess.

He hopes in vain that there are paddle boats in his future.

Attn: Austin

Manifesto set to music.