Hi guys. Herr Kraut is taking me and my house brothers shopping at the Goodwill, Walmart, and Sam's Club so we can have some gifts under the big house pecan tree this year ( I begged Herr for a real Christmas tree, but instead he promised to put a tarp over the presents so they don't get rained on like last year.) Most of us boys haven't had a lot of presents in our lives, so this is an outing we've been looking forward to all year.
That being said, it wearied my soul when little Gerald told me he didn't want to go shopping. Why don't you want to go shopping? I asked. Don't you want to buy tons of Sam's Club blank cd's for your house brothers? Gerald wouldn't tell me at first, but after I promised him some peanut butter on a celery stick he said that he was afraid that he and all his house brothers were going to get bloodbathed at Northcross Mall!!
First I assured Gerald that there was no Walmart at Northcross Mall, so we would definitely not be shopping there. This had little effect on him. Then I remembered that Gerald was actually orphaned by a gruesome killing a number of years ago when his step-dad shot his mom and then committed suicide with a semi-automatic assault weapon! Eereeka! I thought, I just need to give Gerald the tools to survive a bloodbathing, and he'll never be afraid again.
In order to figure out how to survive a shooting rampage, I asked our house weapons expert Clint what he thought. He said, when in a shopping mall and you see a rampaging teenager with a semi-automatic assault weapon, you should hide behind the fat people!
Wow I, said, that is an amazing piece of advice. Hide behind Santa Claus! His timetraveling semi-religious Christian magic will protect you.
No, Clint said, not Santa Claus. A homeless man dressing in imitation red velvet is only useful if you are trapped in a cave or on the bottom of the ocean on a submarine. You need to hide behind regular old overweight Americans.
Of course, I shouted, the pouchie doughy flesh of overweight Americans will shield us boys from the scattered bullets of any rampaging virgin. And because the fat people are so slow, Gerald will be able to run and escape to safety!
No, no, Clint yelled at me. You hide behind fat people because fat people tend to be conservatives who belong to the NRA. They HAVE the guns, and should be ready to defend you in a shopping mall rampage scenario.
I get, I said, the fat people defend our liberty by also toting high powered concealed weapons.
Exactly, said Clint.
So, me and Gerald and Herr Kraut will be ready for a good ol' fashioned mall rampage now. Thanks Clint. You've saved the Austin Home For Boys Christmas.
For more holiday saving tips check out this article on ABC.com.
1 comment:
Oh Dan, you and you're lovely imagination.
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