Herr Kraut's Tips for Boys: How to Make It in This Big Lonely World #1

Nobody knows what a big, cold, lonely world it is better than Herr Kraut, house dad and founder of the Austin Home for Boys. It's hard to make friends, talk to people, and pick up chicks when your mom is in prison and you don't know who your father is, so Herr gives little tips to us boys to help us out.

And now Herr Kraut is willing to share these tips that he has himself collected over the years with you, our Austin Home For Boys Readers!!! Thanks, Herr. You are the BEST!

Herr Kraut's Tip #1: Compliment the ladies.

Ladies like it when you tell them something nice about themselves. So, when talking to a lady, just blurt out any old thing that you like about them!

Bonus tip: Don't say you like a ladies boobs to their face. This is how you stay lonely!

If you can't find something nice to say to them, lie and tell them that something you actually hate is attractive.

For example, you meet a cute young 2nd grade teacher and she is wearing this:
Tell her you like her sweater. Then tell her you LOVE cats (even though cats blow and we're not allowed to have them here at the Austin Home for Boys.) Now ask her out on a date or for some money.

Other things to compliment on, Earrings:


Hair:


Shoes (sooooo safe to compliment):

Okay ,boys. Try that tip out and let us know how it goes at AustinHomeForBoys@gmail.com.

Adventure towards apology

Citadel: Druss falls in a trap. Gracie casts Sexy Eye Lock. Stankie moves blithly. Chibo hits every MoFo he shoots at. Retep takes first watch.

So we get to the Citadel. Druss falls in a trap. Gracie casts Sexy Eye Lock. Stankie moves blithly. Chibo hits every MoFo he shoots at. Retep takes first watch.

No good DnD blog post would be complete without all the notes from the last 2 weeks of questing. Sorry about the notation as I haven't been able to find a good web-resource that shows me how to annotate official DnD battles. If any of the readers know how to do this, please send a PDF of the notation instructions to AustinHomeForBoys@gmail.com.

Before you start reconstructing this adventure on your Combat Mat at home, I'll give you the body count so far:

Enemies defeated:
3 Goblins3 Skeletons6 Dire Rats
Adventures struck down:
Druss, aka REO Painwagon struck down by a Dire Rat that rolled a crit, revived by Agnes in the heat of battle.

Finally, the details. Study hard little dorks. You too may one day reach these heights of awesome in the pits of the Citadel:

Dungeons and Dragons Rises From the Ashes

Many of you out there in TV land have been sending in your letters and emails asking what happened to the DnD campaign we've been waging. Good question. I'll spare you all the details, but the last campaign collapsed in wave after wave of infighting and going North. In the end only Chibo la Riche, the halfling ranger survived. Still burning with a rage like athletes foot from not getting back his deposit on the griffin-masacred horses, he's joined up with a new band of adventures under the tutaledge of an experienced DM of high caliber.

Pretty much the story goes like this: The la Boeuf Brother live in the Hamlet of Oakhurst.
These are the people that live in the town and what they do. It should be noted that though the le Beouf brothers have inhabited the town their entire lives, they have no idea who any of these people are.
The merry band of adventures meet up with Stankie and Bezzel le Beouf (Stankie is a trannie and Bezzel is a gambler with a listening snake) and find out that the town has been having all kinds of problems with Goblins. SU-PRIZE. I've been getting shit from goblins FOR-EVA! So the adventures go a questing south east on a mission to save a couple of brats kids who have wandered off to the Citadel. Stankie tried to negotiate a wicked per diem from the kids' mom, but was a little overzealous, so only gets a promise of $50 if we bring back the kids. Stankie had even less luck with the Mayor. Oh well. Retep the Paladin tried to help and so did the cleric Agnes, but the next day the old mother still wouldn't pony up any more cash. Oh well, never send a trannie to do a halfling's job.


Anyway, you get the gist. I would like to point out that the merry band made no attempt to stop at the apothecary or the torch store on their way out of town to the Sunless Citadel. That is a lesson you only learn once. Like looking out for griffins when you have a big deposit down on a bunch of horses.

Here are some of the character sheets of the merry band of adventures.
Our Hero:
Retep, the whistling elf:
Druss the half-giant, aka REO Painwagon, aka Lil' Brov'a:

Druss's thoughts:

Super Walk 2007....aka....wind walker

Eat the Flavor

Hey All,

I have the latest results
12/07/07
Miles:11.498

12/08/07
Miles:3.45

I know I know. That last one is shit. I was very lazy that day.
This week I will more than make up for it. I am shooting for 17 miles.

Uh, hello. This is my first post, so please, bear with me. I’m not used to blogs as is. Truthfully, I’m not used to disclosure either. I’m a superhero. I can’t say who exactly, but just know that you’ve heard of me. I’m writing as part of my ongoing therapy. My doctor recommended this. He said something about building the bridge towards trusting myself. Perhaps it is to help me forgive as well. I’m not certain, exactly. But on with the post. I’m writing because I feel, how shall I put it: insecure? My wife and I are having problems at the moment; that is why I am in counseling. I have a hard time placing my thumb upon the problems, but they are mounting. Perhaps they have something to do with our attraction. I believe she only becomes excited in dangerous situations. Really excited. I also feel intensely attracted while exerting myself extra-normally. Why, there was one time, we ducked into an alleyway on the way home and…wait. I hear…I hear a cry for help! Darn it! Just when I was getting into this. I have to go, not a moment to waste. I am sorry for this interruption. Perhaps next time I can say more, but I do have to go.

Until next time,

be safe, live well,

Unknown Superguy

Holiday Savings Tips: The Good Little Boy's Handguide to Not Getting Shot at the Mall

Hi guys. Herr Kraut is taking me and my house brothers shopping at the Goodwill, Walmart, and Sam's Club so we can have some gifts under the big house pecan tree this year ( I begged Herr for a real Christmas tree, but instead he promised to put a tarp over the presents so they don't get rained on like last year.) Most of us boys haven't had a lot of presents in our lives, so this is an outing we've been looking forward to all year.

That being said, it wearied my soul when little Gerald told me he didn't want to go shopping. Why don't you want to go shopping? I asked. Don't you want to buy tons of Sam's Club blank cd's for your house brothers? Gerald wouldn't tell me at first, but after I promised him some peanut butter on a celery stick he said that he was afraid that he and all his house brothers were going to get bloodbathed at Northcross Mall!!

First I assured Gerald that there was no Walmart at Northcross Mall, so we would definitely not be shopping there. This had little effect on him. Then I remembered that Gerald was actually orphaned by a gruesome killing a number of years ago when his step-dad shot his mom and then committed suicide with a semi-automatic assault weapon! Eereeka! I thought, I just need to give Gerald the tools to survive a bloodbathing, and he'll never be afraid again.

In order to figure out how to survive a shooting rampage, I asked our house weapons expert Clint what he thought. He said, when in a shopping mall and you see a rampaging teenager with a semi-automatic assault weapon, you should hide behind the fat people!

Wow I, said, that is an amazing piece of advice. Hide behind Santa Claus! His timetraveling semi-religious Christian magic will protect you.

No, Clint said, not Santa Claus. A homeless man dressing in imitation red velvet is only useful if you are trapped in a cave or on the bottom of the ocean on a submarine. You need to hide behind regular old overweight Americans.

Of course, I shouted, the pouchie doughy flesh of overweight Americans will shield us boys from the scattered bullets of any rampaging virgin. And because the fat people are so slow, Gerald will be able to run and escape to safety!

No, no, Clint yelled at me. You hide behind fat people because fat people tend to be conservatives who belong to the NRA. They HAVE the guns, and should be ready to defend you in a shopping mall rampage scenario.

I get, I said, the fat people defend our liberty by also toting high powered concealed weapons.

Exactly, said Clint.

So, me and Gerald and Herr Kraut will be ready for a good ol' fashioned mall rampage now. Thanks Clint. You've saved the Austin Home For Boys Christmas.

For more holiday saving tips check out this article on ABC.com.