Les Miseres et les Mal-Heurs de la Guerre

Dear everybody,

My new chapbook is out and available on Greying Ghost. Buy everything they have in print because all the things they print are good.

Here the link:

http://www.airforcejoyride.com/gg21.html

Wooves or Dears

Dear Readers,

I went to the Berrydale show last night at the Okay Mountain and really enjoyed the thing. Ryan Lauderdale reallocates church camp group portraits by updating them in psychedelic prismatic explosions. Michael Berryhill lifts images from Renaissance painting, plants them out of doors at goldenhour, and surrounds them with a detritus of electronics, wires, and trash. The two artists represented together demonstrate a continuum of appropriation. Looking at the work, it feels like you've been here before, but, no, you couldn't have. It just doesn't look like the reality you're used to.

On a related note, I was in the Arts and Leisure Department of the NYT this morning and found this: 'Head On' by Cai Guo-Qiang

Yesterday I saw some carved Deerheads in a 2nd street boutique (made me want to barf, that boutique did, but that is no story for now), so I ask you, dear reader, what have you seen more of lately: Deerheads or Wolves?

HI All

It seems that this blog has been fizzling out as of late. SO.......I have a challenge. The next person that post on austin home for boys will win the honors of naming my fictional donkey that I have been thinking about for the last few days. It looks like this.



They are such wild critters. They are also natural foes of coyotes and larger normal horses. Wow god is amazing.

Herr Kraut's Tips for Boys: How to Make It in This Big Lonely World #2

Hi Boys and Boys,

Herr Kraut's tip this week is all about an Austin staple of style and un-style: shorts.

Cargo Shorts:

Herr Kraut says, "Cargo Shorts make you look like a dickhole."

My dumb face.

Ok.

I am getting better. Though I did try to unlock my house with my car remote clicker thing. That, of course, did not work. I also have no recollection of what happened. If I repeat myself or give you funny looks it is not because I hate you. It is just because I am several shades of stupid. I also have knocked some serious appetite in me. I can’t stop eating. Quarter pounders, pizza, enchiladas, everything has been going in me at an astounding rate of speed and proportions. wow!!!!!!!!

I don’t recommend head trauma.

I don’t recommend head trauma.
Hey all! I managed to knock some serious stupid in me on Monday. I can’t remember a lot of Monday and it is really scary. Out of all the things I would want removed from my brain, some arbitrary Monday is not one of them.
Here is a list of things I wish were removed.

1. 7th and 8th grade.
2. The time I managed to burn every bridge in Chicago.
3. Breaking up with someone on her birthday.
4. Breaking up with someone after they bought me dinner.
5. Thanksgiving 2007
6. Christmas 2004
7. May 6th 2006

You don't need a 12 inch spoon to stir the elf puddin'

OMG have I been behind updating the adventure! Halla daze and mudder-in-laws have keep me from the sweet sweet Blogoglobe, so you're going to have to get your gentleman's gaming club dose of campaign news all in one big blotchsplotch.

That's right, you don't need a 12 inch spoon to stir the fresh elf puddin', but it helps if you want to be 9 inches from the bowl.

Tonight marked the triumphant return of Daniel Lane. He did all kinds of spell casting that he learned from his highschool daze. Did you know that Daniel Lane was a high school sophomore on 9/11? Well you do now. All that terror and fear as a teen made him practice hard in the arts of spellcraft and deception. He was training to join the CIA and cast WMD on the American Public, but he went into the art field instead.

I know, inspirational story. Also an inspirational story, how Daniel Lane cast sleep on a group of creepy hobgoblins and then we all bloodbathed their stinky butts with Coup d' Grace. Yeah, I know, if that were a frozen treat you purchase from the icecream man, you'd be ordering the Badassicle.

Anyway, you got a lot of reading to do. Our adventurers are in the Sunless Citadel and all hell is breaking loose. More action than Lost re-runs or Jay Leno writing his own jokes. (how did he get that job in the first place. Remember that dorritos commercial where he ate a chip and started a motorcycle. I swear, Leno is like my dad, except my dad is funny. And attractive. And 60 today. Go dad.)

So, here is 3 weeks of quest. Broken down by bloodbath.

12/19, Decsent into the Citadel, Vagina of Adventure.

Enemies Defeated:
8 Twig Blights5 Skeletons





1/3, Rimjobbing the Underground Hallways, a Rectal River of Stench

Enemies Destroyed:

7 Dire Rats
1 Momma Dire Rat6 Goblins




1/10, In the Goblin Stronghold, XBox, Blunts, Mickies, Hell Yeah! Biggie 4 Eva!

Enemies Vanquished

9 (count 'em), 9 Goblins4 Hobgoblins (We talked too much in the Hallway. Mipo got scared. Retep walked through the door like he was Elliot Ness on a Saturday night.)

And 1 Hobgoblin Boss

Wet Snug, Courtesy of JBinks.com

Hey Boys,

It's January in Austin and you know what that means...
That's right, summer's almost here. Swimming in Barton Springs, SXSW, cargo shorts and flipflops, and of course, getting it on in the hot hot heat.

Well, after a long day of hot activities, the Austin Home for Boys enjoys a hot night of activities, if you know what I mean. All that action can really wear you out. So here at the Home, Herr Kraut recommends restoring your energy with the Wet Snug.

A Beer
Clam Juice
Tomato Juice
Salt
Peper
Celery

Mix all that stuff together, add a sweaty lady, and get yer pants a hoppin'.

The Wet Snug, a sexual aperitif. "For after what you were doin' & you're done."®

Special thanks to JBinks.com for knowing how to satisfy a sister.

Here's Spicoli

Hello, dear readers, and welcome back to the Austin Home for Boys in this New Year. I hope you’ve all had a good holiday season and that you were all safe wherever you were. We certainly had a good time here at the home. We had much to be thankful for, but much to look forward to as well. Multiple fund-raisers this year will see us striving for a new tennis court, new cafeteria benches, and some new computers. If you are out there with bountiful means, please utter a prayer for us and be thankful. If you are out there with lacking means, we will certainly say a prayer for you. Today’s poster would be first in line with that prayer. His name is Spicoli Stetson. He is a pleasant, sunny boy, with much wonder and generosity. He wishes you well in the New Year as do we all. And don’t forget to stop by frequently to see what the boys are up to this year.

Sincerely,

Mary F. Reilly

Hello my dudes. I am Spicoli. I like things like the ocean and fun. The ocean is big and fun. I like Jessica Simpson. She is real pretty. I like to hear her songs. She seems neat. My favorite food is burritos. Just cheese ones are the best but I like faheetas to. I don’t like school. It is boring and my teachers are mean. These are things that I like and I do not like. Also I wrote a poem about the beach which is where I was born.

Rad

Spicoli

The Beach

Spicoli S.

I like the beach very much

It has sand is and is very fun

You can surf there and see seegulls

The beach is fun because it is cool

It is fun because it is nice

And when you see a righteous babe say hay

and ask her if she wants to party

The Return

Hello again, readers. This is my second post. I believe I was cut short in my last correspondence regarding the dynamics of my and my wife’s relationship. In keeping with my need for secret identity, I will refer to her as Lanis. Regarding our relationship, then: we’ve hit a bit of a lag in terms of our passion and communication. I suppose it started shortly after the birth of our daughter. Lanis had to forgo her career to take care of the child. I do remind Lanis she can resume her career when little Lena grows older, but still she seems to have a bit of depression. The odd thing is that she harbors no resentment for me in continuing my day job. It is my night activities, my superheroics, that garner her anger. We’ve talked about my superheoring before, but now with the child, everything is more complicated. Lanis states that before it was just her, and that was okay with her, but she cannot abide my recklessness with a child to consider. Her argument reminds me of our wedding night. Lanis and I had gotten into a fight over the same thing when I heard a distant cry for help. I had to dash out and rescue some folks from sharks, and by the time I returned, Lanis was already asleep. I had assumed that that night had proven to her how difficult it is for me to stop my extra-curricular activities. If she only knew how it felt to be needed all the time, to be demanded of, to be asked of time and time again…sorry, I digress. It isn’t either of our places to ask the other to be anything but what we are. I am truly sorry at times for Lanis’ and my stresses. In regards to that, I have a confession to make. During Lanis’ and my recent counseling session, I pretended to hear a cry for help just a few blocks away. But there was no cry. I used it as an excuse to get away from a difficult question she had asked. I soared out of our counseling office and flew for a few blocks before setting down and hiding in a coffee shop for god-knows-how-long. I just couldn’t face her. She asked me…she asked…well, I couldn’t face her. God help me, I just couldn’t face her. But I suppose that is all for now. I think a truck may have just turned over down the highway.

Be safe and live well,

unknown superguy

ps. happy New Year

Bud's Famous Holla Day Warmin' Nog

Many of us won't get many presents this Christmas. Herr Kraut says that's cause the Austin Home For Boys has no chimney. Clint says it's because Jesus is Jewish. Hard to tell really. But when you don't have any presents under your tree, put Egg in your Nog. It will make the depression go away.

Here is Bud's world famous Holla Day depression medication.

Special thanks to Mrs. Argyle's 2nd grade class for drawing the recipe:

The Real Meaning of Christmas?

Keep your lights on and a shotgun trained on the fireplace. BE SAFE, AUSTIN.

Happy Holla Daze!!

Steve, our DM, is a BALL BUSTER

Under

Hey guys. I got bad news today. Uhmm…it’s just…god this is hard. It’s just…why’s everything got to suck? In this world, why’s everything suck so bad? You know me, a hard worker just relaxing, taking it easy, the easy life. I go with the flow of things. I don’t hold possessions, I ain’t one to fantasize about wealth. And just…I mean, things in this world just can’t be fair. You got Richie Rich’s and Affluent Aretha’s all over this town, running around, everything under their thumb, buying nice cars, nice clothes, buying comfy houses, condos and highrises and all that shit, pushing and stepping on all types of little people, cavorting and lying and making money and just laughing. And for what? What did they do that’s so special? Did they hitchhike across a desert? Did they live for a month in a beaten up camper on the outskirts of a city park? They think I don’t know they’re laughing, but fuck, they’re not clever at all. No one’s clever, man. No one. …alright, I just…well, listen, okay? Sorry for just dumping on you and all, it’s just, my poor pooch Pepper got ran over. I was standing…oh god…I was standing in heavy traffic and she just broke out for no reason at all. And some asshole BMW or Mercedes or whatever just rolled right over her. I mean, oh god… it wasn’t really their fault, but come on. They couldn’t see, couldn’t react that fast? Fuck knows. And I saw the whole thing with my own eyes too. No one should ever have to witness such a thing. I’m just broken up right now. Sorry, sorry Austin. I’m fucked up, I’m totally fucked right now.

Barnyard save me,

long live the mighty Pepper,

Greg

Batman Bares His Sensitive Soul

Before he was an American psycho and long before he took up cape and cowl, Christian Bale walked the lonely city streets as...

...a Newsie.



He sings! He dances! He steals a horse! In the words of YouTuber supernaturalbabe666, "immortal hottness!!!"

super walk 2007....aka....wind walker

12/12/07
Miles:9.702

12/13/07
Miles: 9.807

Christmas time is here

Well hello, hello, AHFB readers. As you know, it’s Merry Old Christmas time, and we here at the 14^th DABO can hardly contain ourselves. Little Gerald and Clint are soon to be joined by our third poster, Dominic Hayes. He was very excited to be next in line, and I can tell you personally, he is feeling quite a bit of holiday cheer. I’d like to take a moment now, however, to remind you of all the needy boys and girls out there in this big world. This is a time of generosity, of sharing, giving, compassion, and caring. Please, all readers out there, open your hearts, be not afraid to be touched, and take merriment with you. Tis the season, after all. We here at the orphanage are certainly brimming with spirit. Shouldn’t you? But before I go on too long, here is Dominic with a lovely post.

Sincerely,

Mary F. Reilly

Hello, my names Dominic. Thank you for reading this post. I am nine years old. I like to think that I was named for Dominic Wilkins, a great basketballer. My sister says thats silly, but I’m older than her and I know better. I want to be a paleontologist, so I should know a thing or two. Paleontologists are scientists that study dinos. Not like Jurassic Park, which was awesome, but kind of more like Indiana Jones, another awesome thing. By the way, we all went to a museum the other day too. It didn’t have dinos, but it was alright anyway. It was called the Blanton Museum of Art. It had a lot of old pretty pictures and new scribble pictures. I decided to write a poem about it and Mrs. Reilly said it was ok. I hope you enjoy it. Also, I wanted to tell Santa that I was a good guy this year. I was very cheerful and nice to my sister. I hope he brings a lot of Christmas cheer this year. Plus, I hope all of you guys have a good Christmas too. My mother always used to tell me that everyones got a bit of Christmas spirit in them, and we all secretly smile at reindeer and elves. So if you guys feel this spirit, let it out. That’s what we’re supposed to do, I think. That’s what my mom used to say.

Have a merry Christmas,

Dominic

BMA by Dominic Hayes

I went to this museum

and there were noodles outside,

you could run in them

and jump and hide.

Inside the museum were paintings

with color and shape,

my favorite image

was a man with a yellow pear face.

There were cars

and statues plenty,

but the best room

was full of pennies.

It looked like gold

spilled from a truck,

into the vault

of Scrooge McDuck.

There were hundreds of bones

above or more,

and I laughed with my sister

pretending they were dinosaur.

And we saw guys in gray

watching us walk,

they stood with walkie talkies

and didn’t talk.

I waved to one

and he tried to smile,

but he turned around a corner

and was gone for a while.

And then the time came to go

before we saw it all,

but we weren’t sad

we'd come back next fall.

Herr Kraut's Tips for Boys: How to Make It in This Big Lonely World #1

Nobody knows what a big, cold, lonely world it is better than Herr Kraut, house dad and founder of the Austin Home for Boys. It's hard to make friends, talk to people, and pick up chicks when your mom is in prison and you don't know who your father is, so Herr gives little tips to us boys to help us out.

And now Herr Kraut is willing to share these tips that he has himself collected over the years with you, our Austin Home For Boys Readers!!! Thanks, Herr. You are the BEST!

Herr Kraut's Tip #1: Compliment the ladies.

Ladies like it when you tell them something nice about themselves. So, when talking to a lady, just blurt out any old thing that you like about them!

Bonus tip: Don't say you like a ladies boobs to their face. This is how you stay lonely!

If you can't find something nice to say to them, lie and tell them that something you actually hate is attractive.

For example, you meet a cute young 2nd grade teacher and she is wearing this:
Tell her you like her sweater. Then tell her you LOVE cats (even though cats blow and we're not allowed to have them here at the Austin Home for Boys.) Now ask her out on a date or for some money.

Other things to compliment on, Earrings:


Hair:


Shoes (sooooo safe to compliment):

Okay ,boys. Try that tip out and let us know how it goes at AustinHomeForBoys@gmail.com.