Austin Home For Boys

Les Miseres et les Mal-Heurs de la Guerre

2010-02-12T07:25:00.000-08:00

Dear everybody,

My new chapbook is out and available on Greying Ghost. Buy everything they have in print because all the things they print are good.

Here the link:

http://www.airforcejoyride.com/gg21.html

Wooves or Dears

2008-02-17T09:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I went to the Berrydale show last night at the Okay Mountain and really enjoyed the thing. Ryan Lauderdale reallocates church camp group portraits by updating them in psychedelic prismatic explosions. Michael Berryhill lifts images from Renaissance painting, plants them out of doors at goldenhour, and surrounds them with a detritus of electronics, wires, and trash. The two artists represented together demonstrate a continuum of appropriation. Looking at the work, it feels like you've been here before, but, no, you couldn't have. It just doesn't look like the reality you're used to.

On a related note, I was in the Arts and Leisure Department of the NYT this morning and found this: 'Head On' by Cai Guo-Qiang

Yesterday I saw some carved Deerheads in a 2nd street boutique (made me want to barf, that boutique did, but that is no story for now), so I ask you, dear reader, what have you seen more of lately: Deerheads or Wolves?

HI All

2008-02-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

It seems that this blog has been fizzling out as of late. SO.......I have a challenge. The next person that post on austin home for boys will win the honors of naming my fictional donkey that I have been thinking about for the last few days. It looks like this.

They are such wild critters. They are also natural foes of coyotes and larger normal horses. Wow god is amazing.

Herr Kraut's Tips for Boys: How to Make It in This Big Lonely World #2

2008-01-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

Hi Boys and Boys,

Herr Kraut's tip this week is all about an Austin staple of style and un-style: shorts.

Cargo Shorts:

Herr Kraut says, "Cargo Shorts make you look like a dickhole."

My dumb face.

2008-01-12T07:41:00.000-08:00

Ok.

I am getting better. Though I did try to unlock my house with my car remote clicker thing. That, of course, did not work. I also have no recollection of what happened. If I repeat myself or give you funny looks it is not because I hate you. It is just because I am several shades of stupid. I also have knocked some serious appetite in me. I can’t stop eating. Quarter pounders, pizza, enchiladas, everything has been going in me at an astounding rate of speed and proportions. wow!!!!!!!!

I don’t recommend head trauma.

2008-01-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

I don’t recommend head trauma.
Hey all! I managed to knock some serious stupid in me on Monday. I can’t remember a lot of Monday and it is really scary. Out of all the things I would want removed from my brain, some arbitrary Monday is not one of them.
Here is a list of things I wish were removed.

1. 7th and 8th grade.
2. The time I managed to burn every bridge in Chicago.
3. Breaking up with someone on her birthday.
4. Breaking up with someone after they bought me dinner.
5. Thanksgiving 2007
6. Christmas 2004
7. May 6th 2006

You don't need a 12 inch spoon to stir the elf puddin'

2008-01-10T21:31:00.000-08:00

OMG have I been behind updating the adventure! Halla daze and mudder-in-laws have keep me from the sweet sweet Blogoglobe, so you're going to have to get your gentleman's gaming club dose of campaign news all in one big blotchsplotch.

That's right, you don't need a 12 inch spoon to stir the fresh elf puddin', but it helps if you want to be 9 inches from the bowl.

Tonight marked the triumphant return of Daniel Lane. He did all kinds of spell casting that he learned from his highschool daze. Did you know that Daniel Lane was a high school sophomore on 9/11? Well you do now. All that terror and fear as a teen made him practice hard in the arts of spellcraft and deception. He was training to join the CIA and cast WMD on the American Public, but he went into the art field instead.

I know, inspirational story. Also an inspirational story, how Daniel Lane cast sleep on a group of creepy hobgoblins and then we all bloodbathed their stinky butts with Coup d' Grace. Yeah, I know, if that were a frozen treat you purchase from the icecream man, you'd be ordering the Badassicle.

Anyway, you got a lot of reading to do. Our adventurers are in the Sunless Citadel and all hell is breaking loose. More action than Lost re-runs or Jay Leno writing his own jokes. (how did he get that job in the first place. Remember that dorritos commercial where he ate a chip and started a motorcycle. I swear, Leno is like my dad, except my dad is funny. And attractive. And 60 today. Go dad.)

So, here is 3 weeks of quest. Broken down by bloodbath.

12/19, Decsent into the Citadel, Vagina of Adventure.

Enemies Defeated:
8 Twig Blights5 Skeletons

1/3, Rimjobbing the Underground Hallways, a Rectal River of Stench

Enemies Destroyed:

7 Dire Rats
1 Momma Dire Rat6 Goblins

1/10, In the Goblin Stronghold, XBox, Blunts, Mickies, Hell Yeah! Biggie 4 Eva!

Enemies Vanquished

9 (count 'em), 9 Goblins4 Hobgoblins (We talked too much in the Hallway. Mipo got scared. Retep walked through the door like he was Elliot Ness on a Saturday night.)

And 1 Hobgoblin Boss

Wet Snug, Courtesy of JBinks.com

2008-01-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

Hey Boys,

It's January in Austin and you know what that means...
That's right, summer's almost here. Swimming in Barton Springs, SXSW, cargo shorts and flipflops, and of course, getting it on in the hot hot heat.

Well, after a long day of hot activities, the Austin Home for Boys enjoys a hot night of activities, if you know what I mean. All that action can really wear you out. So here at the Home, Herr Kraut recommends restoring your energy with the Wet Snug.

A Beer
Clam Juice
Tomato Juice
Salt
Peper
Celery

Mix all that stuff together, add a sweaty lady, and get yer pants a hoppin'.

The Wet Snug, a sexual aperitif. "For after what you were doin' & you're done."®

Special thanks to JBinks.com for knowing how to satisfy a sister.

Here's Spicoli

2008-01-03T18:37:00.001-08:00

Hello, dear readers, and welcome back to the Austin Home for Boys in this New Year. I hope you’ve all had a good holiday season and that you were all safe wherever you were. We certainly had a good time here at the home. We had much to be thankful for, but much to look forward to as well. Multiple fund-raisers this year will see us striving for a new tennis court, new cafeteria benches, and some new computers. If you are out there with bountiful means, please utter a prayer for us and be thankful. If you are out there with lacking means, we will certainly say a prayer for you. Today’s poster would be first in line with that prayer. His name is Spicoli Stetson. He is a pleasant, sunny boy, with much wonder and generosity. He wishes you well in the New Year as do we all. And don’t forget to stop by frequently to see what the boys are up to this year.

Sincerely,

Mary F. Reilly

Hello my dudes. I am Spicoli. I like things like the ocean and fun. The ocean is big and fun. I like Jessica Simpson. She is real pretty. I like to hear her songs. She seems neat. My favorite food is burritos. Just cheese ones are the best but I like faheetas to. I don’t like school. It is boring and my teachers are mean. These are things that I like and I do not like. Also I wrote a poem about the beach which is where I was born.

Rad

Spicoli

The Beach

Spicoli S.

I like the beach very much

It has sand is and is very fun

You can surf there and see seegulls

The beach is fun because it is cool

It is fun because it is nice

And when you see a righteous babe say hay

and ask her if she wants to party

The Return

2008-01-01T14:39:00.001-08:00

Hello again, readers. This is my second post. I believe I was cut short in my last correspondence regarding the dynamics of my and my wife’s relationship. In keeping with my need for secret identity, I will refer to her as Lanis. Regarding our relationship, then: we’ve hit a bit of a lag in terms of our passion and communication. I suppose it started shortly after the birth of our daughter. Lanis had to forgo her career to take care of the child. I do remind Lanis she can resume her career when little Lena grows older, but still she seems to have a bit of depression. The odd thing is that she harbors no resentment for me in continuing my day job. It is my night activities, my superheroics, that garner her anger. We’ve talked about my superheoring before, but now with the child, everything is more complicated. Lanis states that before it was just her, and that was okay with her, but she cannot abide my recklessness with a child to consider. Her argument reminds me of our wedding night. Lanis and I had gotten into a fight over the same thing when I heard a distant cry for help. I had to dash out and rescue some folks from sharks, and by the time I returned, Lanis was already asleep. I had assumed that that night had proven to her how difficult it is for me to stop my extra-curricular activities. If she only knew how it felt to be needed all the time, to be demanded of, to be asked of time and time again…sorry, I digress. It isn’t either of our places to ask the other to be anything but what we are. I am truly sorry at times for Lanis’ and my stresses. In regards to that, I have a confession to make. During Lanis’ and my recent counseling session, I pretended to hear a cry for help just a few blocks away. But there was no cry. I used it as an excuse to get away from a difficult question she had asked. I soared out of our counseling office and flew for a few blocks before setting down and hiding in a coffee shop for god-knows-how-long. I just couldn’t face her. She asked me…she asked…well, I couldn’t face her. God help me, I just couldn’t face her. But I suppose that is all for now. I think a truck may have just turned over down the highway.

Be safe and live well,

unknown superguy

ps. happy New Year

Bud's Famous Holla Day Warmin' Nog

2007-12-24T15:45:00.001-08:00

Many of us won't get many presents this Christmas. Herr Kraut says that's cause the Austin Home For Boys has no chimney. Clint says it's because Jesus is Jewish. Hard to tell really. But when you don't have any presents under your tree, put Egg in your Nog. It will make the depression go away.

Here is Bud's world famous Holla Day depression medication.

Special thanks to Mrs. Argyle's 2nd grade class for drawing the recipe:

The Real Meaning of Christmas?

2007-12-24T13:02:00.000-08:00

Keep your lights on and a shotgun trained on the fireplace. BE SAFE, AUSTIN.

Happy Holla Daze!!

2007-12-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

Steve, our DM, is a BALL BUSTER

2007-12-19T21:47:00.000-08:00

Under

2007-12-18T17:08:00.001-08:00

Hey guys. I got bad news today. Uhmm…it’s just…god this is hard. It’s just…why’s everything got to suck? In this world, why’s everything suck so bad? You know me, a hard worker just relaxing, taking it easy, the easy life. I go with the flow of things. I don’t hold possessions, I ain’t one to fantasize about wealth. And just…I mean, things in this world just can’t be fair. You got Richie Rich’s and Affluent Aretha’s all over this town, running around, everything under their thumb, buying nice cars, nice clothes, buying comfy houses, condos and highrises and all that shit, pushing and stepping on all types of little people, cavorting and lying and making money and just laughing. And for what? What did they do that’s so special? Did they hitchhike across a desert? Did they live for a month in a beaten up camper on the outskirts of a city park? They think I don’t know they’re laughing, but fuck, they’re not clever at all. No one’s clever, man. No one. …alright, I just…well, listen, okay? Sorry for just dumping on you and all, it’s just, my poor pooch Pepper got ran over. I was standing…oh god…I was standing in heavy traffic and she just broke out for no reason at all. And some asshole BMW or Mercedes or whatever just rolled right over her. I mean, oh god… it wasn’t really their fault, but come on. They couldn’t see, couldn’t react that fast? Fuck knows. And I saw the whole thing with my own eyes too. No one should ever have to witness such a thing. I’m just broken up right now. Sorry, sorry Austin. I’m fucked up, I’m totally fucked right now.

Barnyard save me,

long live the mighty Pepper,

Greg

Batman Bares His Sensitive Soul

2007-12-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

Before he was an American psycho and long before he took up cape and cowl, Christian Bale walked the lonely city streets as...

...a Newsie.

He sings! He dances! He steals a horse! In the words of YouTuber supernaturalbabe666, "immortal hottness!!!"

super walk 2007....aka....wind walker

2007-12-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

12/12/07
Miles:9.702

12/13/07
Miles: 9.807

Christmas time is here

2007-12-13T22:57:00.000-08:00

Well hello, hello, AHFB readers. As you know, it’s Merry Old Christmas time, and we here at the 14^th DABO can hardly contain ourselves. Little Gerald and Clint are soon to be joined by our third poster, Dominic Hayes. He was very excited to be next in line, and I can tell you personally, he is feeling quite a bit of holiday cheer. I’d like to take a moment now, however, to remind you of all the needy boys and girls out there in this big world. This is a time of generosity, of sharing, giving, compassion, and caring. Please, all readers out there, open your hearts, be not afraid to be touched, and take merriment with you. Tis the season, after all. We here at the orphanage are certainly brimming with spirit. Shouldn’t you? But before I go on too long, here is Dominic with a lovely post.

Sincerely,

Mary F. Reilly

Hello, my names Dominic. Thank you for reading this post. I am nine years old. I like to think that I was named for Dominic Wilkins, a great basketballer. My sister says thats silly, but I’m older than her and I know better. I want to be a paleontologist, so I should know a thing or two. Paleontologists are scientists that study dinos. Not like Jurassic Park, which was awesome, but kind of more like Indiana Jones, another awesome thing. By the way, we all went to a museum the other day too. It didn’t have dinos, but it was alright anyway. It was called the Blanton Museum of Art. It had a lot of old pretty pictures and new scribble pictures. I decided to write a poem about it and Mrs. Reilly said it was ok. I hope you enjoy it. Also, I wanted to tell Santa that I was a good guy this year. I was very cheerful and nice to my sister. I hope he brings a lot of Christmas cheer this year. Plus, I hope all of you guys have a good Christmas too. My mother always used to tell me that everyones got a bit of Christmas spirit in them, and we all secretly smile at reindeer and elves. So if you guys feel this spirit, let it out. That’s what we’re supposed to do, I think. That’s what my mom used to say.

Have a merry Christmas,

Dominic

BMA by Dominic Hayes

I went to this museum

and there were noodles outside,

you could run in them

and jump and hide.

Inside the museum were paintings

with color and shape,

my favorite image

was a man with a yellow pear face.

There were cars

and statues plenty,

but the best room

was full of pennies.

It looked like gold

spilled from a truck,

into the vault

of Scrooge McDuck.

There were hundreds of bones

above or more,

and I laughed with my sister

pretending they were dinosaur.

And we saw guys in gray

watching us walk,

they stood with walkie talkies

and didn’t talk.

I waved to one

and he tried to smile,

but he turned around a corner

and was gone for a while.

And then the time came to go

before we saw it all,

but we weren’t sad

we'd come back next fall.

Herr Kraut's Tips for Boys: How to Make It in This Big Lonely World #1

2007-12-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

Nobody knows what a big, cold, lonely world it is better than Herr Kraut, house dad and founder of the Austin Home for Boys. It's hard to make friends, talk to people, and pick up chicks when your mom is in prison and you don't know who your father is, so Herr gives little tips to us boys to help us out.

And now Herr Kraut is willing to share these tips that he has himself collected over the years with you, our Austin Home For Boys Readers!!! Thanks, Herr. You are the BEST!

Herr Kraut's Tip #1: Compliment the ladies.

Ladies like it when you tell them something nice about themselves. So, when talking to a lady, just blurt out any old thing that you like about them!

Bonus tip: Don't say you like a ladies boobs to their face. This is how you stay lonely!

If you can't find something nice to say to them, lie and tell them that something you actually hate is attractive.

For example, you meet a cute young 2nd grade teacher and she is wearing this:
Tell her you like her sweater. Then tell her you LOVE cats (even though cats blow and we're not allowed to have them here at the Austin Home for Boys.) Now ask her out on a date or for some money.

Other things to compliment on, Earrings:

Hair:

Shoes (sooooo safe to compliment):

Okay ,boys. Try that tip out and let us know how it goes at AustinHomeForBoys@gmail.com.

Adventure towards apology

2007-12-11T23:32:00.000-08:00

Citadel: Druss falls in a trap. Gracie casts Sexy Eye Lock. Stankie moves blithly. Chibo hits every MoFo he shoots at. Retep takes first watch.

2007-12-11T19:08:00.001-08:00

So we get to the Citadel. Druss falls in a trap. Gracie casts Sexy Eye Lock. Stankie moves blithly. Chibo hits every MoFo he shoots at. Retep takes first watch.

No good DnD blog post would be complete without all the notes from the last 2 weeks of questing. Sorry about the notation as I haven't been able to find a good web-resource that shows me how to annotate official DnD battles. If any of the readers know how to do this, please send a PDF of the notation instructions to AustinHomeForBoys@gmail.com.

Before you start reconstructing this adventure on your Combat Mat at home, I'll give you the body count so far:

Enemies defeated:
3 Goblins3 Skeletons6 Dire Rats
Adventures struck down:
Druss, aka REO Painwagon struck down by a Dire Rat that rolled a crit, revived by Agnes in the heat of battle.

Finally, the details. Study hard little dorks. You too may one day reach these heights of awesome in the pits of the Citadel:

Dungeons and Dragons Rises From the Ashes

2007-12-11T18:29:00.000-08:00

Many of you out there in TV land have been sending in your letters and emails asking what happened to the DnD campaign we've been waging. Good question. I'll spare you all the details, but the last campaign collapsed in wave after wave of infighting and going North. In the end only Chibo la Riche, the halfling ranger survived. Still burning with a rage like athletes foot from not getting back his deposit on the griffin-masacred horses, he's joined up with a new band of adventures under the tutaledge of an experienced DM of high caliber.

Pretty much the story goes like this: The la Boeuf Brother live in the Hamlet of Oakhurst.
These are the people that live in the town and what they do. It should be noted that though the le Beouf brothers have inhabited the town their entire lives, they have no idea who any of these people are.
The merry band of adventures meet up with Stankie and Bezzel le Beouf (Stankie is a trannie and Bezzel is a gambler with a listening snake) and find out that the town has been having all kinds of problems with Goblins. SU-PRIZE. I've been getting shit from goblins FOR-EVA! So the adventures go a questing south east on a mission to save a couple of brats kids who have wandered off to the Citadel. Stankie tried to negotiate a wicked per diem from the kids' mom, but was a little overzealous, so only gets a promise of $50 if we bring back the kids. Stankie had even less luck with the Mayor. Oh well. Retep the Paladin tried to help and so did the cleric Agnes, but the next day the old mother still wouldn't pony up any more cash. Oh well, never send a trannie to do a halfling's job.

Anyway, you get the gist. I would like to point out that the merry band made no attempt to stop at the apothecary or the torch store on their way out of town to the Sunless Citadel. That is a lesson you only learn once. Like looking out for griffins when you have a big deposit down on a bunch of horses.

Here are some of the character sheets of the merry band of adventures.
Our Hero:
Retep, the whistling elf:
Druss the half-giant, aka REO Painwagon, aka Lil' Brov'a:

Druss's thoughts:

Super Walk 2007....aka....wind walker

2007-12-11T06:26:00.000-08:00

Eat the Flavor

Hey All,

I have the latest results
12/07/07
Miles:11.498

12/08/07
Miles:3.45

I know I know. That last one is shit. I was very lazy that day.
This week I will more than make up for it. I am shooting for 17 miles.

2007-12-10T10:48:00.000-08:00

Uh, hello. This is my first post, so please, bear with me. I’m not used to blogs as is. Truthfully, I’m not used to disclosure either. I’m a superhero. I can’t say who exactly, but just know that you’ve heard of me. I’m writing as part of my ongoing therapy. My doctor recommended this. He said something about building the bridge towards trusting myself. Perhaps it is to help me forgive as well. I’m not certain, exactly. But on with the post. I’m writing because I feel, how shall I put it: insecure? My wife and I are having problems at the moment; that is why I am in counseling. I have a hard time placing my thumb upon the problems, but they are mounting. Perhaps they have something to do with our attraction. I believe she only becomes excited in dangerous situations. Really excited. I also feel intensely attracted while exerting myself extra-normally. Why, there was one time, we ducked into an alleyway on the way home and…wait. I hear…I hear a cry for help! Darn it! Just when I was getting into this. I have to go, not a moment to waste. I am sorry for this interruption. Perhaps next time I can say more, but I do have to go.

Until next time,

be safe, live well,

Unknown Superguy

Holiday Savings Tips: The Good Little Boy's Handguide to Not Getting Shot at the Mall

2007-12-08T08:14:00.001-08:00

Hi guys. Herr Kraut is taking me and my house brothers shopping at the Goodwill, Walmart, and Sam's Club so we can have some gifts under the big house pecan tree this year ( I begged Herr for a real Christmas tree, but instead he promised to put a tarp over the presents so they don't get rained on like last year.) Most of us boys haven't had a lot of presents in our lives, so this is an outing we've been looking forward to all year.

That being said, it wearied my soul when little Gerald told me he didn't want to go shopping. Why don't you want to go shopping? I asked. Don't you want to buy tons of Sam's Club blank cd's for your house brothers? Gerald wouldn't tell me at first, but after I promised him some peanut butter on a celery stick he said that he was afraid that he and all his house brothers were going to get bloodbathed at Northcross Mall!!

First I assured Gerald that there was no Walmart at Northcross Mall, so we would definitely not be shopping there. This had little effect on him. Then I remembered that Gerald was actually orphaned by a gruesome killing a number of years ago when his step-dad shot his mom and then committed suicide with a semi-automatic assault weapon! Eereeka! I thought, I just need to give Gerald the tools to survive a bloodbathing, and he'll never be afraid again.

In order to figure out how to survive a shooting rampage, I asked our house weapons expert Clint what he thought. He said, when in a shopping mall and you see a rampaging teenager with a semi-automatic assault weapon, you should hide behind the fat people!

Wow I, said, that is an amazing piece of advice. Hide behind Santa Claus! His timetraveling semi-religious Christian magic will protect you.

No, Clint said, not Santa Claus. A homeless man dressing in imitation red velvet is only useful if you are trapped in a cave or on the bottom of the ocean on a submarine. You need to hide behind regular old overweight Americans.

Of course, I shouted, the pouchie doughy flesh of overweight Americans will shield us boys from the scattered bullets of any rampaging virgin. And because the fat people are so slow, Gerald will be able to run and escape to safety!

No, no, Clint yelled at me. You hide behind fat people because fat people tend to be conservatives who belong to the NRA. They HAVE the guns, and should be ready to defend you in a shopping mall rampage scenario.

I get, I said, the fat people defend our liberty by also toting high powered concealed weapons.

Exactly, said Clint.

So, me and Gerald and Herr Kraut will be ready for a good ol' fashioned mall rampage now. Thanks Clint. You've saved the Austin Home For Boys Christmas.

For more holiday saving tips check out this article on ABC.com.

Super Walk 2007.......aka....wind walker

2007-12-07T05:43:00.000-08:00

Hello B's & G's

I am happy to report that Mike has greatly improved on his walking score. He was training for weeks to achieve his goal of more then 5 miles. The next step is to pass the mandatory drug screening and a sperm count. Also we must screen for head lice. After that he will be inducted into the Professional Walkers of America.

My latest results are in.

12/06/07
Miles: 12.014

12/04/07
Miles: 11.367

I am feeling better now that I am back in full form after my life took a turn into the ditch. General fuckery aside, things are looking up. It is not my fault. IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Walk on America……walk on

We Like Eachother: Fudgie and me!

2007-12-06T10:36:00.000-08:00

It's hard to be an orphan in Austin. Often we think to ourselves, where's my mom, where's my dad? Usually the answer is prison, so our souls dry up a little bit more.

But!!! We may not have our parents, but we have each other. Pour a little wine on it. Put in some hor'dourves in there.

Fighting

2007-12-04T19:56:00.001-08:00

What’s up, dudes? F---, it’s been a long time. I know, I know. Where the hell’s Greg been? Let’s just say I got tossed in the slammer and leave it at that. Don’t worry, don’t worry. It’s all good. Just…don’t ask. Let’s just say there was a B and E, a construction yard, and some propane, and leave it at that. Don’t worry about me, friends. I’m out, I’m out baby! Ha ha! I’m out and I’ve had a few and I’m just chilling out right now at the Dan’s house (p.s. I don’t think Dan appreciates my drunkenness). But who cares? It’s all good, that’s what I’m saying. I’ve got my dog Pep, I got myself, I got the clothes on my back, and I got my undying, constantly rewarding hatred of yuppies to see me through. I’m a fighter, I’ve been fighting it out on the streets, fighting it here on the site. I can’t complain. Life’s…well, okay, I do have one thing to say. Those beds in prison, man, are they small. Could we do something about that? I mean, come on. Jesus! Well, I better get moving on, my pups barking and Dan’s yawning a whole bunch.

Same old same old,

respect to the Barnyard,

Greg

The Lamb Ran Away With the Crown

2007-12-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

Mike, guest walker extraordinaire, posting an improved score of 8.628 miles. Holy fuck! That's a whole mile more than my last walk and a whopping 3.7 miles more than Casey's Saturday Shame Spectacle. Of course, my score is a paltry one-half of Casey's standing record, 15.9 miles. So the Burger King crown remains perched atop his head, not mine, a fact that causes me to fill saucer after saucer with fat tear droplets. Until next time, O silver-legged one, but be warned: I'm training with Mark Knopfler.

Super walk 2007....aka.....wind walker

2007-12-04T06:29:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

I have some sad results to report. Saturday was a dismal showing of walking force. This is not an excuse but in the spirit of sportsman ship I must confess that my mind and feet were elsewhere. You can’t really walk when you heart is broken. The Professional Walking organization has granted Mike a re-walk. I will keep you updated on his results.

12/1/07

Miles: 4.9
Steps: Mostly on my heart..

Keep Rambo in Mind

2007-12-01T06:17:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

I have recently given up much of my time to an emotional outlet that did not pay off. Vague, but there it is. In the process I have neglected a project I have been working since this past summer. I am writing an alternative narrative to First blood. Not unlike Brad Neely's Harry Potter thing but more poignant. Over the course of months ahead I will post my chapters. Remember this is to be read during First blood. Also keep Hawkwind’s “Warrior on the Edge of Time” in mind as well.

Chapter One.
Music: Hawkwind, song one in the background during intro.

America. Placid, stagnate and dead. The burden of capitalism buries our fallen heroes. We are failures in the eyes of the world. Burnt earth and nightmarish daydreams fortify the country side. A lone man, with jeans tucked into his boots, freshly delivered from war with images of violence and toil dancing in his head; A gallant lion-maned steed who carries the weight of America’ s dreams on his broad shoulders looks down in contempt of what lies before him.

While Children scuttle about below, he envisions a future he has yet to comprehend. He only knows what direction the stars are telling him to navigate. Onward he presses towards his destiny.

Despite this celestial compass he asks the youth of America to help him locate the back of the house. Blindly trudging forth with no help from the children he makes his best educated guess.

He hopes in vain that there are paddle boats in his future.

Attn: Austin

2007-12-01T06:06:00.001-08:00

Manifesto set to music.

super walk 2007.....aka wind walker

2007-11-30T06:18:00.000-08:00

Okay,

I have been out of the office due to a thoat fuckin' brought on by too much life. have the results for the last day I walked which is

11/24/07

Miles: 11.952
Steps: ?

Merry things my dear fellows

2007-11-29T14:18:00.000-08:00

Well it is that time of the year and before I almost died with some strange illness I had my picture taken with the fat fucker himself. I whispered all the shit I wanted in his ear and wore my favorite sweatshirt too. I hope that everyone has a merry fuckin season and be jolly for god's sake.

Peace and shit
C

Here's Clint

2007-11-23T18:42:00.001-08:00

Hey folks, sorry for the long wait between Gerald’s post and this one. We’ve been a busy little orphanage lately. The holidays are coming, fundraisers have been organized, we’ve been blessed with new arrivals in our home, and we’ve also said goodbye to a few boys leaving for happy, new families. So it’s been a good past few weeks, but now we’re ready again. Today’s post is written by Clint McConnell. He’s a good boy with a bit of spunk in him. He’s a rambunctious boy, and that’s why we love him. Without further ado, here’s Clint and his post.

Sincerely,

Mary F. Reilly

Hey, what’s up guys? I’m Clint and I’m pretty new at the orphanage. Some of my favorite things are guns and mustangs. I once found a box in my uncle’s attic full of toy soldiers and toy cars. He said they were gi Joes and matchbox cars. I really like the Joes weapons. They were tiny but they looked cool. But my uncle left town, and he let me keep the toys. It was pretty cool. Theres one matchbox I have that is in the shape of a mustang. It looks really awesome. I like it because it looks fast. I like fast and loud things. That’s why I decided to write about guns. Mrs. Reilly said it was okay, so don’t worry. I know Gerald wrote a poem, but I’m writing mine as an essay. Here goes.

Why I like guns
by Clint McConnell

I like guns because they loud and fun. They look cool and they make you look cool. Their shiny and sleek, and the bullets they shoot whiz around fast. Guns can give you respect. I want a gun so people would respect me. But I'd protect them too, let them be safe. People would thank me. I'd also try and learn gun tricks. I would want to flip them around and spin them, maybe throw them in the air and catch them. One day I want to own a bunch of guns. I want a shooting range in my basement, I wouldn't go hunting, because that's stupid, but I would try to become a sheriff or something to make people feel safer. It would be really fun. The end.

Super walk 2007.....aka ....Wind Walker

2007-11-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

11-23-07

Miles: 15.449
Steps: 25,099

Hypermagic

2007-11-22T20:17:00.000-08:00

On this Thanksgiving, let us pause to remember the valiant souls patrolling our forests, protecting our children from kobolds and tree-orcs. Take comfort in this vignette, and know in your hearts there is no problem that can't be solved by hurling sticks at it. Now sleep. Sleep!

Heavy is the belt that wears the pedometer

2007-11-20T17:16:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone, it's Mike, checking in with some disappointing results. Today I walked approximately 7.6 miles, a downright embarrassment when compared to the awesome distances covered by Casey "Walk You Like a Hurricane" Stringham. I do have several choice excuses to offer in my defense. For one thing, today was unnaturally slow due to the approaching holiday. Also, there was a session of desk-sitting, and later, a whole lotta standing around in Mike's World all by my lonesome, conditions hostile to laying down sole rubber. So, in the interest of fair play, Casey has agreed to re-stage this epic confrontation. Stay tuned for the details!

Super Walk 2007......aka Wind Walker

2007-11-20T06:27:00.000-08:00

11/17/2007

Day 6
Miles: 11.126

11/20/2007

Today I am having a guest walker use the pedometer. This is his first officially sanctioned walk by the Professional Walking Circuit of America. He is a graduate of Trinity University and has been a professional walker here at the Blanton for 1.5 years. I wish him the best luck and in the spirit of competition may he exceed 16 miles. Mike Hughes everybody!!!!!!!

Super walk 2007......aka Wind Walker

2007-11-17T07:23:00.000-08:00

Day 4

11/14/07

Miles: 13.5
Steps: ?

Day 5
11/16/07
MIles: 14.623
Steps: ?

mr hamburger's got yer number

2007-11-17T06:21:00.000-08:00

mr hamburger AHFB t-shirts are now on sale at sister organization Okay Mountain! Sales of all mr hamburger t-shirts benefit the 1st annual AHFB doughnut eating contest and canoe joust!

AH4B Bonus Material: East Austin Studio Tour Wallpaper

2007-11-16T16:02:00.000-08:00

Special East Austin Studio Tour media! Exclusively for Austin Home For Boys readers!

Download the East Austin Studio Tour Wallpaper!

East Austin Studio Tour: Are You a Yuppie or Artkid

2007-11-16T15:42:00.000-08:00

So Yuppies and Artkids alike will be scouring the EastSide looking for art deals and free cheese this weekend. Here is a test to see if you are in fact a Yuppie or an Artkid:

1. Did you eat breakfast this morning:
a. I had eggs benedict with the girls.
b. I had megas.
c. Do cigarettes count as breakfast?

2. How did you get to the studios:
a. I drove the ol' Porsche SUV.
b. I rode my fixed gear Bianci bicycle.
c. I woke up here.

3. What did you drink while visiting the studios:
a. I had some chilled white wine while I looked at Matt Rebholz's exquisite prints.
b. I drank the Shiner.
c. Whatever I could get my hands on.

Please fill out a postcard with your answers and email them care of Nadia to AustinHomeforBoys@gmail.com. Enclose a SASE and $3 shipping and handling. You will receive your test results in 4 to 6 business weeks.

super walk 2007.....Aka Wind Walker

2007-11-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

11/13/07

Day 3

Miles: 16.215
Steps: 28,435

Super walk 2007!!!!!! AKA.....Wind Walker

2007-11-13T07:15:00.000-08:00

11/10/07

Day 2

Miles:13.213
Steps: 22,032

Note to Miranda

2007-11-11T22:20:00.001-08:00

Remember Veterins This Veterans Day

2007-11-11T17:12:00.001-08:00

Veterans Day? What? But what about the people fighting for our soldiers animals? And our soldiers animals freedom? The freedom to lick, sniff, hump and poop on things. The freedom of unconditional love. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about honoring the people qualified to treat diseased and injured animals, veterins or veterinarians if you want to be fancy about it. If there's one thing I've noticed about the Austin Home For Boys, it's that we love our animals. It's quite possible we love our animals more than our soldiers fighting in Iraq. So I call upon you to honor and solute these med school drop outs today, November 11th, 2007 by sending them a card that says, "Hey, thanks for keeping my pet alive," or "Thanks for protecting the freedom of my pet." Should you really want to honor them I highly suggest buying them the Dale Earnhardt Nascar driver commemorative plate set from Ebay.

Also, look how cute and happy this dog is, despite being bit on the face by a snake.

I nominate Patrick Swayze as The Austin Home For Boys Leader

2007-11-11T16:12:00.001-08:00

Let's face it, we need to start nominating community leaders to help organize, lead, and maintain the growing sensation that is The Austin Home For Boys. We need someone who encapsulates what it means to be an Austin boy. While the man I nominate is known for molesting boys in the hit indie film Donnie Darko, I think he owns certain qualities that far overshadow such a minute flaw - Patrick Swayze can do the following at least:

(1) He can teach us how to dance
(2) He can teach us how to lure women
(3) He can teach us how to lure women through dance
(3) He can teach how to make a vessel out of clay as shown in the hit movie Ghost
(4) He can teach us how to ride and breed Arabian horses

Also, I hope when you think of a leader you think of the qualities of these films: Outsiders, Red Dawn, Dirty Dancing, Roadhouse, Ghost, Too Wong Foo, POINT BREAK! Donnie Darko.

Burden

2007-11-11T13:25:00.001-08:00

Hello again, fellows. Alright, listen: I’m sorry for coming off so bitter last time. It’s just been a hell of a year for me and old Pepper (Pepper’s my dog; I don’t think I’ve mentioned her before). It took us a long time to get here to Austin, we moseyed around, and now that we’re here, well, you know, city of assholes. Shit, sorry, sorry. There I go again. I’ve got some bitterness to me, sure, sure I do. It’s my beast of burden. I mean, just the other day I was in some shop looking around. Now I know how I look, hair all in dreads, skin dirty, clothes stinky, but I’m a person too. And then there’s this chick, working there, giving me the eye. Made me feel like some alien prancing around in a dress. After giving me the staredown, she comes over to sniff me out. "How may I help you, sir? Anything in particular, sir?" I mean, come on, give me a break! I know what she was really saying. She wanted me to get the hell out of there. False pretenses just get my goat. So, again, the bitterness. And again, let me apologize. Because Austin is a great city. It’s got the great green trees and the muddy looking hills out west. It’s got great eateries and is uber-friendly to my Pepper. It is a good time here, it is a good place. The yuppies? Ah, maybe they’re alright. They’re people too, I guess. Just give ‘em a chance, that’s what I should be saying. Peace and love. Everybody live free. And those yuppies, this time, they don’t have to suck it. But maybe they should be thinking about some life changes. That’s all. Oh, and quickly, before I go, the clothing stores on Lamar and Sixth can go to hell. Just a bunch of overpriced crap as is. C’est la vie.

Peace, love, and Barnyard (represent!),

Greg

Super walk 2007!!!!!! AKA.....Wind Walker

2007-11-10T06:13:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

I have recently found a pedometer in my office at work. My job requires a lot of walking. I have decided to document the miles walked everyday at work. What is not included is the .779 miles I walk each day to and from the spot where I park.
For clarification the Ass's name is Wind Walker.

11/09/07
Miles: 11.816
Steps: 18,860

PJ interviews with perspective family

2007-11-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

Dear readers,

Our little friend PJ is interviewing with a perspective family this morning. The family is full of famous artists, and little PJ tacked up his fingerpaintings, set up his pipecleaner sculptures, donned his new suit (donated by Little Men of Austin) and is ready to impress. Lets all wish him luck and keep him in our prayers.

Prayer for Success:

Almighty God, whose hands hold all matters of life, give me grace of success in the work that I do. Help me to give it the careful thought and the strict attention that will lead to success.

Watch over me and govern my actions, that I may not mar its perfection. Show me how to give my best, and let me not despise the toil that is necessary to complete it.

Make my life a successful one, in that every duty you give to me, I do it well. Give me the blessing of your help and guidance, and suffer me not to fail.

Garrison Keillor Says "Nuts" into My Voicemail

2007-11-09T08:06:00.000-08:00

For some reason Garrison Keillor called the Austin Home for Boys this morning and said, "Nuts" into the Home voicemail. There is a bumper crop of pecans this year. I wonder...

Here's Gerald

2007-11-07T17:46:00.000-08:00

Hello again, readers. As I hinted in an earlier post, the boys here at the 14^th DABO have a lot of enthusiasm, and already, we have our first participant. His name is Gerald Gere, and he could hardly wait for me to post his writing. He is a lovely boy, some might say precocious, with a charming wit all his own. Gerald is a sensitive, caring child, so please, if you read his post, respond with words of wisdom, charity, and generosity.

Sincerely,

Mary F. Reilly

Hi guys, I’m Gerald. I’m eleven years old. I was born in Tempe, Arizona. I lived there with my older brother Duke, but he’s in the Army now. One thing I really like is snow. I like Las Vegas too. I want to live there when I grow up, but I want to live in the mountains too. Sometimes I can’t decide. Argghh! Well, I hope you readers are having a good day. I’m doing good too. Well, here’s my poem Mrs. Reilly asked me to write. Oh, by the way, I was named for Gerald Ford. He was a president.

My Mother by Gerald Gere

My mother was a tiger

with bright orange fur,

she loved me and my brother

the most in the world.

In the field she hunted

and gathered up some food

to feed us when we were hungry

and make us feel good.

I know my mom’s in heaven now

where all kind souls do go,

watching down from up high

over me and my bro.

Someday we’ll meet again,

but for now there’s much to do,

writing down this poetry

and sending love to all of you.

RunRunRun

2007-11-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

.03, or How the Thesaurus Felt when the Griffins ate our horses.

2007-11-06T09:55:00.001-08:00

Here is a graphic representation of the emotional state of Roget "The Human Thesaurus" after our intrepid adventures had their ponies snatched by a couple of dirty Griffins. They swept out of the sky like ex-girlfriends who keep your favorite t-shirt and Jackson 5 record album. You know that like right now she's doing floor exercises to ABC with some new sucka. Well, those Griffins are eating our horses and we're not going to get back the deposit. Keep crying, Theo. Keep crying.

The Proof is in the Frittata

2007-11-05T23:37:00.000-08:00

Some of readers out there have voiced skepticisms as to the validity and reality of the Austin Home for Boy's DnD campaign, so I thought I'd prove how legit this goblin ass-kicking really is.

For the edification of our young readers and for proof to our older, jaded, and perhaps (should I say y******-ish) readers, I've posted the Gentleman's Gaming Club Dungeons and Dragons Character sheets. Study up, little ones. There will be a quiz next Wednesday.

Bonus Material!!!
The minutes of campaign 1.03! As you can see it was a tough night for our intrepid adventures! Danger lurked in the deep wood and swooped swiftly from the skies. Seemed like men and beasts alike wanted to have a taste of little Chibo Le Riche, known throughout the land as baker of the best frittatas this side of the Dark Caves and Rolling Hills.

Satisfaction

2007-11-05T19:32:00.001-08:00

Hey guys, name’s Greg, and I hate fucking yuppies. Yeah, I’m an urban camper. I live on the kind streets of Austin. But maybe they ain’t so kind lately. The sun’s been shining, the river’s been sparkling, nature’s been vibing right with me, but there’s something else out there. Seems like a trend we got going around in this city o’ ours. Listen, if you can get yourself some nice expensive shirts that make me look like crap, don’t move here. I’m serious. Are there signs up or something? ‘Come to Austin. Hey you, yeah you, douchebag, come to Austin. We’ve got opportunities and real estate. Woo hoo!’ Give me a break. Seriously, keep Austin weird - I know it sounds trite and stupid - but it’s the god’s honest truth. ‘Hey, you, you’ve got commerce, prosperity, and economy?’ Don’t fucking come here. Get away from our town. It’s like my bud Dan Boehl says, go back to Dallas (or is it Houston?). I can’t get no satisfaction, that’s what I say, but that’s beside the point. On a side note, back to my bud Dan – he’s a swell guy. I am writing this now at his house, and god knows I stink, so I try to hurry it up. Just a half hour to put this shit up. So I’m rushed, I know, excuse me if it ain’t all there. But anyway, Dan, he’s a good guy. He’s Austin, you know? Letting this bum into his house to stink up his computer chair rant about dead ending-yuppies. That’s cool, baby. You’re cool, baby. You guys out there, keep living free. And yuppies – suck it! We don’t want your zero-culture cheesefest!

Peace,

Greg

p.s. the picture heading this post is a painting done by another good bud of mine, Jeff Barnyard. Get in touch with that dude if you like what you see. Support! Know what I’m saying?

Campaign .03 preview

2007-11-05T11:20:00.000-08:00

Letter from Mary Francis Reilly

2007-10-31T21:31:00.000-07:00

Hello, Austin Home for Boys readers. My name is Mary Francis Reilly and I am the director for the 14^th District Austin Boy’s Orphanage. It is a special home filled with special children, each with something to say, something very valuable to voice. It is in that spirit that I announce the commencement of a project very near and dear to my heart, something I have been working on for many years. With the help of this blogsite, the 14^th DABO will bring you selected writings from the children in-residence. The boys will be posting their thoughts, their poetry, and their expressions. We will try our best to update the entries each and every week, so please remember to come back and see what our boys have been up to. Trust me, they have lots to say. I’d also like to add that for many souls in this world, love is hard to come by. Our boys know this. They hope to help. If our words and thoughts heal, in anyway, anyone who reads, anyone who cares, then God bless and let us know. The boys would be more than proud. So please, come make a home here with us. After all, that’s what we’re about, uniting happy families since 1954.

Sincerely,

Mary F. Reilly

Crazy Dangerous Bust Your Shit Open D&D Moves

2007-10-31T18:12:00.001-07:00

Here is a picture of a smoked brisket that has a Maine lobster in a figure-4 leg lock. Lobster is for women, homosexuals, and French people. I keep trying to tell Dan this, but he keeps insisting that it's not true, and saying that "flip-flops are for poor people," in an attempt to change the subject. It was a nice try, but then I was able to get him to sprinkle that carcinogenic lemon-lime salt into his lone star tall boy. That will suffice, for now. We will sick the brisket death on those ipod theives. I can hear the deuce dropping in their pantaloons right now.

In order to better describe how well we did last week during Gentleman's Gaming Club Night on October 22nd I have uploaded this diagram which I executed with just an ordinary Bic Pen and some Prismacolor colored pencils which I recently purchased. X marks the spot where we fucked up those Goblin/Hobgoblin bitches.

poorly rendered penis

2007-10-31T13:07:00.001-07:00

Right now I am reading the King-Cat Classix by John Porcellino. He does the really bad type drawings that jeffrey brown does, but he's been doing them longer. he has really crazy looking penises on these cartoon dudes. He also does the illustrate-your-dream toons that I find a little more interesting than poems about your dreams.

This makes me want to do a really bad comic about working at the museum. i may try it. You know, I don't have enough things to do in the first place.

House

2007-10-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

While on my extended vacation leaf-peeping in new England, I read Josh Simmon's graphic novel "House." It's one of the many books published by Fantagraphics and up for various awards.

Anyway, the book follows 3 teenagers as they explore an old mansion. Ever seen that YouTube video where the Russian Guy Jackie-Chans through an abandoned apartment complex in St. Petersburg? Well this story is kind of like that. Two young ladies, one gothy, one waspy, and a dorky kinda looking dude with headlamps and backpacks start exploring an amazingly complex house. They roof walk across mansion and find a quarry where other smaller houses have been swallowed by the water. The scene is pretty stunning. That's the happy part. Just about when they are in the dark tunnel descending a staircase you think, "Is that staircase going to hold their weight" is when all the hell breaks loose.

The art in the book is well rendered and intricately interesting. Simmon's creates a beautiful and sinister setting for our poor explorers. It took about 20 minutes to follow the wordless story, which kinda disappointed me. I wanted to spend more time with the characters, but oh well, maybe the story was just so compelling I had to read it fast.

Anyway, don't go in there without a rope.

NO PROGRESS THIS WEEK SORRY.

2007-10-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

Dungeons and Dragons Delay Due to Dan's Deliquent Departure

2007-10-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

For the BB Gun Boys

2007-10-26T06:09:00.000-07:00

Dan said post more pictures. So I am 'cause his name is Dan Boehl. -JB

Lobsta; To the Kids Who Broke into My House and Stole My iPod.

2007-10-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

I ate real maine lobsta tonight in Maine. Take that, bbq. I'll give you pictures once I get back to texas and it will make you cry into your shiner, bbq.

On an unrelated note, if you are the drug head kids that broke into my house yesterday and stole my gen 3 iPod and $40 dollars in change (why did you pick out the matches) you should listen to the Smashing Pumpkins live from the Orpheum in Boston show I downloaded on the recomendation of Kinsey while you are high on the glue or gold spray paint that I bought you with my iPod. Anna bought me that iPod for Valentine's Day 4 years ago, you goo droppers. I hope the paint makes you sterile and your friend accidently pushes you out of the Pontiac while you are making a getaway after stealing some veteran's SS check. Really, I hope you die.

Campaign.02 or Can everyone say level up?

2007-10-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

10/23/07

Last night was amazing. I don’t know that I will be able to recount all of the details due complexity of the adventure. Let me just say that the experience points we got last night were well deserved and hard earned.

The evening began with our prayers being answered. Yes, the great Jonathan Marshall graced us with his presence and let me tell you that his actions last night earned him his chosen name, Flame, no matter how dumb that name is.

The action begins with Molotov telling the holy trio from last week (Russell, Cibo and Roget) of a group of hobgoblins and goblins that are fortified and causing problems in an area to the north. He tells them to go forth and defeat the evil. They agree and head north after gearing up.

On the trail to the north they ran into a young Druid named Flame. They asked him if he has any knowledge as to the whereabouts of the group of Hobgoblins and their minions.
Flame says he has seen them in a fortress a short distance from where the group was and agreed to take them there. What was three then becomes four.

The foursome headed up through a heavily forested area until they were within in sight of the goblin fortress. Under cover they could spot two large hobgoblins and four average goblins. Each was armed to the teeth. At this point the goblins were completely unaware of the four heroes so the group decided to try a surprise ranged attack. Cibo being the only one with a weapon capable of reaching the goblin fortress drew back his bow and shot an arrow at one of the two hobgoblins. The arrow glanced off the hobgoblins shield doing little damage to anything more than the safety of there location. Luckily from where the goblin gang was they could only see Flame. Completely unaware that he was not the only attacker all six villains came charging toward the band of adventurers.

Still beyond the range of magic or melee weapons Russell and Roget could only prepare their attacks and wait. And wait they did until just the right moment and then Whammo!!! Russell hit the goblins with a color spray spell. Hitting the two hobgoblins and one of the smaller goblins and stopping them dead in their tracks. Quickly Roget hit the bigger of the two hobgoblins with a coup de tas using his long sword. The aggressive attack killed the hobgoblin instantly and at that very instant the newest member of the group cast an entangle spell calling forth the foliage and trapping the entire evil quintet in thick vines, grass and brush. At this point finishing them off was no problem and Cibo even got to make good by shooting one of the goblins through the eye. In addition Russell used acid splash very effectively melting the lower half of the remaining hobgoblin and Flame killed another goblin using his antler ended cudgel. Victory. Now on to the spoils. Many weapons and including a long sword and a number of javelins were divided among the group; there was also some gold and better armor. Even little Cibo got some armor. Cute.

The group decided that they should investigate the fortress for other loot. Once at the door Roget sensed a booby-trap just past the archway. He sprung the pendulum knife and let the large blade swing to a stop. They then entered the fortress following Russell’s newly introduced ‘familiar’ (his animal companion, like a raven or a rabbit). Russell’s familiar happened to be a toad. He used the same spell he used last week on the chicken to make a mobile light source.

About 50 feet into the cavernous space they could see that the space split into 3 chambers. There was one that went down to their left with a huge hole in it. The band of adventurers decided to explore the chamber to the right due the fact that there was a horrible stink coming from the main chamber straight ahead. The found that the chamber did not go very far and at the end they found 3 locked chests.
After a ridiculous number of attempts Roget was able to bash one of the chests open finding a nice set of metal armor. This bumped his armor class up to 19. Sweet, yes sweet indeed. Finding they could not open the other two chests they decided to head back and see what that stink was all about in the main chamber.

Suddenly to the left a blue boggle with threw something them and then teleported away. It was at this moment the group realized that a large monster called an otyugh was in the room with them. They decided that they should attack the beast. At first it seemed hopeless. Neither Cibo nor Russell was able to inflict any severe damage, luckily with a couple of high roles Roget and Flame brought the beast to its knees (or whatever this thing had that was like knees). It was a combined effort that would not have been possibly with out all members in the fight. In a lucky twist the keys to the other chests were found in the guts of the otyugh. While heading back to open them the boggle reappeared holding a satchel, Cibo quickly pulled back his bow and hit the boggle wounding it enough to make it retreat and drop the satchel that contained quite a bit of gold. More gold was discovered in the remaining chests. They bounty was divided evenly among all members.

Success again. This weeks adventure has proven that you can trust new friends. (Especially if you are graced with a ‘Sense Motive’ feat like myself that way no one can catch you off guard.) We will all be buy spells first thing next week so that should be exciting. Much was learned and we all leveled up. So now we are all second level.

It should be mentioned that DM, Sean’s girlfriend, Cait, really spiced things up with this weeks matt play by doing illustrations on the matt as thing appeared. Just great.

Incredible Changbots

2007-10-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

An awesome thing happened at work yesterday: Nadia left a copy of Incredible Changebots at the Front Desk.

It's a comic by Jeffrey Brown, and this time Jeffrey is using markers and characters that aren't him and and all the women he sleeps with.

This book chronicles the 2 party system of the Awesomebots and the Fantasticons. I can't wait to read the adventures of these things.

Paintings on the Move

2007-10-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

I am leaving the visual arts. Every painting I have ever created must go. This is a give away (or you can pay me for my work). I want to see art enthusiasts happy. If you dig these paintings I have more. Respond to this post MF's or e-mail me at barnyardrecords@gmail.com.

Trail of Beers

2007-10-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

Casey told me about this guy's blog. He makes me a laff and laff for no reason except he is a crazy person, and I find that funnie.

trailofbeers.blogspot.com

Maybe he can be our mascot, or something to aspire to. Like the mickey mouse club.

Here is another idea: a website called loversoffinewineandwhiskey.blogspot.com. It is a blogspot for yuppies.

A dillion in Hobgobblin Gold: Leveling Up: lvl 2

2007-10-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

So, Peter will give us the blow by blow rundown on the campaign we waged last night, but the long and short of it is that the fearless band of warriors slaughtered a bunch of hobgoblins and raked in a dillion in hobgoblin gold.

BTW, Jonathan Marshall has the magic touch when it comes to rolling the bones, so he was a welcomed addition to the fearless band.

In a strange twist of fortune, PJ's rolling skills have been devolving over the last couple of weeks. It either has to do with the amount of art he had been making or his masturbation schedule. But he has been wearing some newly pillaged banded mail and is unstoppable.

In the service of full disclosure, I have to admit my rolling has always been terrible, as evinced by my 3 hitpoints. Doo doo.

Kurt finally bought Magic Missile. Hopefully it will be a big improvement over Ocean Spray, which cured the UTI of a vicious hobgoblin.

Campaign.02 or What happens after that?

2007-10-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

I know it seems like a lot everyone but we had some scheduling stuff in the last couple of weeks, so yes we are playing D&D 2 times in 5 days. From here on out Monday night is the regular schedule and you can check in on the action probably by Wed . I am sure you are all chomping at the bit to hear about our adventures. Tonight we were supposed to have a 5th member, Cy, but now I don't think he is coming. But it finally happened, that is right!! Jonathan "T.H.A.B." Marshall will be in attendance. I think he was worried about losing his "core" status and I don't think he likes his new nickname very much. So we'll see he may change to T.W.A.B. or That Whole Ass Bitch.
Other exciting news is that Kurt Mueller and myself, Peter Johansen went to "the lair" today and purchased minis for ourselves and Dan. Look Wed. for pics. Okay it is almost 7 and we decided to start a little early tonight.
Adventure Ho!!!!!!
Love,
PoJo

Campaign .01 or How the peasants got their grain back.

2007-10-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight the Austin Home for Boys began our first campaign with our first guest DM, Sean. Accompanying Sean was Kate, his GF, who is quite new to Austin. So this was her first AHfB experience! Too bad Jonathan couldn't join us. Apparently he was too busy making art. Sooooo pedestrian.

Here is Peter's take on our first experience of the DnD unlocking the imagination of our characters. Any problems in perspective are caused by PJ and PJ alone:

A Paladin’s Perspective

Last night kicked off the first campaign of our Gentlemen’s Gaming Club. Oh let me tell you the tale of our adventure towards RPG adventure.

At first it looked like we were not going to get a thing done again and sit around trying to decipher the plethora of rules in the Dungeons and Dragons Player’s Handbook alone again. Until last night our progress in towards adventure had stalled out due to the confusion about the assigning of skill points and how that translates into abilities, hit points blah, blah, blah. We had posted an ad on Craigslist about a week ago looking for a skilled DM (Dungeon Master) to help our group crack these codes. To our surprise we got a great many replies from people eager to help us ‘newbies’ out in our quest for RPG adventure. From the ten or so candidates we selected Don Webb.

I know you are all thinking, “No way! There is no way that THE Don Webb is going to waste his time with these nobodies.” Yes, we really had Don Webb. (For those of you not aware of Don Webb’s D&D cred check him out on the Internet, you can use the google on your computer.)

Unfortunately Don Webb was tired last night and we lost him.

Luckily I received an email from another potential DM just at that moment and gave him a call. His name was Sean and he had two questions, “Could he bring his girlfriend and would there be free ice cream and cookies?” I gladly agreed to both of his needs.

So at 8:30 P.M. on October 17, 2007 our Gentlemen’s Gaming Club assembled for the first time under the tutelage of a skilled Dungeon Master. (Of course we were missing the 4th member of the group, JonathanMarshall, due to his fledgling art career…something about an art opening on Saturday that I suppose you should all go to.)

The action kicked off with a lot of math and paper work, much of which was expedited by our new DM’s thorough knowledge of the race, class and how the skill points breakdown for each member of our group.

Maybe at this point I should just lay this out there flat. The core members of our Gentlemen’s Gaming Club are Dan Boehl, Kurt Mueller, myself, Peter Johansen and Jonathan Marshall. The race/class breakdown looks like this…

Dan Boehl Halfling Ranger 1st level

Kurt Mueller Half Elf Wizard 1st level

Peter Johansen Elf Paladin 1st level

Jonathan Marshall∗ Human Druid
∗Remember Jonathan Marshall hasn’t been toiling with our group for weeks and his ‘core member’ status is in jeopardy as it is. In short I don’t feel comfortable calling him 1st level until he has completed the paper work that we all had to complete.

Campaign .01 began with the Halfling Ranger, Cibo/Dan Boehl finding an unconscious naked elf in a ditch. After reviving the elf/Peter it soon became clear that this being had no memory of his identity, yes…amnesia. Cibo then supplied his naked amnesiac friend with a chicken (I will explain later why he has a chicken) to cover his privates with and they headed off to the nearest town with the hope of maybe finding someone who knew something about the elf/Peter.
Once the duo hit town they quickly ran into an aspiring young wizard named Russell Stover/Kurt. The Halfling and wizard had some brief prior dealings and it occurred to Cibo that Russell maybe able to help with the amnesiac elf problem.
Russell was on his way to a local pub to find an older wizard named Molotov in hopes of becoming his apprentice, but he agreed to help the duo upon completion of this task. Now forming a beautiful trio they all headed towards the pub. On the way Russell took pity on the naked elf and gave him enough money to purchase a tunic.
The three entered the pub and inquired with the bartender as to the where they might find Moldy. The bartender pointed the back corner of the bar. Russell decided he should approach the elder wizard alone so the the confident Paladin decided to try get involved with some betting that was going on around an arm wrestling table in hopes of getting enough money to arm and further clothe himself. He had 2 coppers to gamble with and lost them both in quick, if not embarresing succession. The elf although unusually strong for his race was not in good form and although he could not remember for certain he assumed it was due to lack of a recent meal.
In a turn of luck at that moment he caught the glint of a gold piece that had fallen under the bar and quickly retrieved it. Stealing a bar tip, is not in the usual moral reprotoire of a Paladin, but then again this fellow didn’t remember that. This afforded him one more opportunity to try to gain some supplies. He bet and this time was the victor in a match of wrestling arms. He acquired a short sword and used part of the gold piece to get a basic set of clothing. Engorded again with confidence, he made another unnecessary display of reckless judgement, betting once more and, for the third time in almost as many tries, proved himself lacking.
Meanwhile Russell Stover, the aspiring half elf wizard, was asking Moldolf if he would take on Russell as an apprentice. The elder wizard agreed to take on the young wizard as an apprentice for one year at the cost of 75 gold pieces. (Russell had to “borrow” 15 GP from Cibo the halfing ranger.) In addition Russell was instructed to acquire a spell book and given a mission that he was advised to take his two acquaintances on.
It seems a gang of 5 goblins had infiltrated a village to the north and were terrorizing the peasants there as well as stealing the grain that fed the village. In fact most of the inhabitants had left the region due the goblin problem. The three agreed to the mission and set out North after filling there bellies with fine Indian delicacies and getting a good night’s rest.
It did not take them as long as they thought to get near the village. They soon ran into a family of villagers who claimed to be the last to leave. The peasants were asked if they knew the location of said goblins. Although they weren’t certain the peasants suspected that the goblins were residing in a cave behind the village since they were seen there after the last grain raid. The peasants were eager to move on so they said their good byes and left.
Let me take a moment here to let you know that the mysterious elf was having a lot of ‘feelings’, like unspecific flashes of memory and it came to him that his name was Roger. He was not certain how he knew this, he just did. He also thought it might be pronounced, “Row-jay,” as to suggest Frankish origins.
Our band of would be goblin gutters headed fearlessly towards the entrance of the cave.
Arriving at the cave entrance the group made the wise decision was foolish to head into such a dark cave that was possibly inhabited by 5 goblins. I guess I have failed to make clear that the group still have that trusty chicken. See Cibo comes from a family of Halfling chicken farmers/racers, so he really never goes anywhere without being followed by or bringing a chicken. On this journey that novelty has proven to be useful once and now the wizard, Russell decided to cast a spell that turned the chicken in to a source of blinding light. They then followed the two-legged lantern into the darkness of the cave.
Before long they came to a large chamber and stopped. The eyes of the goblins reflected in the light of the chicken. Immediately---whoa, whoa, whoa, what really happened next was Stover cast “hypnotize,” immobilizing all but one of the gobs. Taking advantage of this situation, as well as the next four or five turns in a row, the elf Roger attacked and with seven or eight quick swipes, which translated into three three dead goblins (again, he wasn’t sure if he hadn’t eaten in a long time and whether or not this was affecting his form). The fourth counter attacked and slices a large gash in Roger’s arm. Luckily, Cibo was ready with his trusty bow and shot the goblin dead directly through eye. Boo-yah! Russell wanted to get in on the action (or realzing it was his tuen) and quickly cast a magical acid splash on the final goblin, staining the floor of the cave with its entrails and dangling it within in an inch of his life. Roger finished the wounded goblin off with his short sword and that was it. The group had come out the victors in their first battle. And you know what? They made a pretty good team. Yes, a pretty good team indeed, richer not only in gold pieces, and goblin trinkets, but yes, character, team sprirt, and gentlemanly respecting. Roger got the feeling that maybe the meeting of the three had not been a mistake at all.
They found the grain and headed back to town the let the peasants know it was safe to return to the village. What about the hobgoblin over yonder?
Stay tuned people. This is the real deal. There will be weekly adventures and this is going to be better that dancing with the stars. I promise.

List of Current Projects

2007-10-16T07:11:00.001-07:00

Here is the current list of projects and proposed projects for the Austin Home for Boys:

(in no particular order)
1. Make Mr. Hamburger T Shirts
2. Wage mad DnD campaigns with guest DMs
3. Build potato guns
4. Longest potato gun shot competition
5. Brush burning
6. BB gun biathalon
7. Canoe jousting
8. Water melon sling shot
9. BMX jumping into lake Travis

The Austin Home For Boys

2007-10-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Boys,

This place is for awesome, totally awesome, and the awesome handed down by god.

I wonder what the first project will be?

Dinny le Riche